A Certain Kind of Madness
by xxanglophilexx
Summary: Sirius admits his feelings for Remus to Minerva McGonagall. Minerva decides to take matters into her own hands and get them together. After all, it's all for the greater good, right? Right... Fourshot. RLSB. JPLE. MMAD. Complete!
1. Sirius

**A/N: When this plot bunny popped into my head, it was too appealing to resist. It will be four parts. I've basically gotten it all ready, so it shouldn't be long between postings.**

**Warning: Some OOCness on Minerva's part. **

**Disclaimer: If it was mine, Sirius and Remus would've started passionately snogging on the table in the middle of an Order meeting. **

**Not mine.**

Minerva McGonagall was in a state. And, as everyone knew, Minerva McGonagall being in a state should not be taken lightly. She rarely allowed herself to become so worked up, and when she was, it was best to run away as fast as you could in the other direction. The students of Hogwarts knew this, as there was a clear path in front of her whilst she stalked down the corridor.

"Mr. Black!" she barked. Immediately, Sirius Black turned and looked at her, his eyes wide and confused. James Potter and Peter Pettigrew exchanged small smiles, and Minerva could almost hear the, "Oooh! Sirius is in trou-ble!" reverberating in their otherwise empty heads. Remus Lupin slid his hand off Sirius's shoulder and patted his friend supportively on the back before James shoved Sirius forward, right in front of an angry Minerva McGonagall.

"Mr. Black, you are coming with me this instant!" Minerva thundered.

"But, I didn't—" Sirius started, but Minerva had his left ear pinched between two fingers before he could finish his protest. She dragged him down the corridor to her office whilst he tried to ignore the various sniggers and giggles from the students that had borne witness to Sirius's humiliation. Normally, Sirius would follow Minerva with a smile, swaggering and winking and generally being a cocky bastard. Now, he was attempting to keep up with Minerva's quick step without losing his ear.

Minerva opened the door to her office and roughly shoved Sirius in, slamming the door behind her. An imposing look from Sirius, to a chair, then back to Sirius told the boy that he should obviously sit down. Sirius took the cue quickly. He hadn't seen Minerva that worked up since the Flying Pudding Incident of '75.

Deciding to take his chances, Sirius started speaking as soon as Minerva took a seat in the chair on the other side of her desk. Sirius sourly noted that her chair was _much_ nicer than his, all plushy and soft and _it had wheels_, before opening his mouth.

Bad things happened when Sirius Black opened his mouth.

"Minnie, I swear—"

"Don't you, 'Minnie, I swear,' me!" Minerva yelled. Sirius shirked back into his hard, wheel-less chair, pressing his lips tightly together. "I know you are up to something!"

"I haven't done anything!" Sirius argued. "Ask anyone! I haven't planned anything!"

"You haven't pulled a prank in twenty-three days! Twenty-three days, four hours, and twelve minutes! You haven't gone that long since the Great Depression, and I _know _there is something going on!"

The Great Depression was what Minerva called the two months after Sirius's disastrous prank—although, as she had heard Remus put it, it was more of a mistake (a big, awful, disastrous, _stupid _mistake­) than a prank. After Sirius had gotten Snape almost killed, he had sunk into a deep depression. Remus had forgiven him the day after, Minerva knew: she had been eavesdropping. She had rationalized by telling herself that she was _listening for administrative and psychological purposes_, but, really, she had been eavesdropping.

Could anyone blame her, though? The whole thing reminded her of the soap operas she enjoyed watching during the summer, and Hogwarts didn't have cable. She had needed something to keep her entertained. She was aware that it had been a bit sadistic, but at least then she hadn't been worried about Sirius's complete lack of prank-pulling.

Sirius had been moody and silent for those two months. In fact, the only reason he had gotten a few detentions was because of his tendency to fall asleep during class. There had been no pranks, no schemes, no _nothing_, though. Minerva suspected that it had been Sirius's way of punishing himself, because Remus was too bloody understanding and had the largest soft-spot for Sirius.

During Sirius's entire time at Hogwarts, though, that had been the only time where he had gone more than a week without pulling a prank, even if it was as small as charming goldfish to sing "God Save the Queen", or as large as the tornados, hurricanes, cyclones, and monsoons that had taken place in the Slytherin common room (Sirius was quite good at weather spells).

"Professor McGonagall, I haven't done _anything_, and I'm not planning on doing _anything_!" Sirius argued urgently. "_Nothing. _I promise."

"For the past twenty-three days, four hours, and fourteen minutes, I've been waiting for you to pull a prank! You'd think that it would be nice, wouldn't you? Twenty-three days without cleaning up after you or sending people to the hospital wing or counseling people who lost goldfish in the 'God Save the Queen' incident? Do you remember how much I had to go through after that? A group of Hufflepuffs had a _sit-in_ in _my office _to protest the new ban against goldfish!" McGonagall ranted.

"Wouldn't you think that I would be happy not to deal with any of that? I should be! But, no! Instead, I've been looking over my shoulder for the past twenty-three days, twitching when you round a corner, anticipating your next move whilst you eat breakfast! It's torture! Just bloody _do something _so I can be put out of my bloody misery!"

Sirius sat there, kohled eyes wide, mouth open in shock. He remembered to blink a few seconds later, and then said, in a breathless, awed voice, "You said 'bloody'." He blinked again, rapidly. "You said 'bloody' _twice_."

"I said 'bloody' twice," Minerva repeated, sitting back in her chair, just as shocked as Sirius. "In front of _you_." She shuddered. "Merlin, what is the world coming to?"

"So…you're in this tizz because I haven't pulled a prank in twenty-odd days and what-have-you hours?" Sirius asked carefully. "_I _put the great Minnie McGonagall in a state?"

"It was inevitable."

"Cor," Sirius breathed. "Wow. I'm…wow."

Minerva crossed her arms, shooting Sirius a rather frustrated look. "Now, you really don't need to rub it in."

"Oh, yes, I do," Sirius said, trancelike. "It's a momentous occasion. _You _just admitted that _I _put you in a state. I'm writing this down. And posting it. In the Gryffindor common room. In the Great Hall. I think I may just call the _Daily Prophet_."

"And then have all of the owls thump people in the heads with the newspapers whilst doing a synchronized flying routine?" Minerva suggested hopefully. Then _her_ eyes widened, and she inhaled sharply. "I just gave you a prank idea."

"You did," Sirius said blankly. "Wow."

"Mm-hm."

They stared at each other for another moment, eyes wide, before Minerva leaned over and thumped Sirius on the side of the head with a rolled-up copy of the _Prophet_.

"Enough staring," Minerva snapped. "You are going to explain to me why you haven't pulled a prank in the past twenty-three days, four hours, and sixteen minutes. _Now._"

"Hey, why did you call me in here?" Sirius asked suddenly. Upon Minerva's sharpened look, he quickly amended, "I know why _I'm _here, obviously, but what I want to know is…why not Jim, Pete, or Rem?"

"Pettigrew doesn't prank unless he's following someone. Lupin only helps when the rest of you are plotting—he doesn't start anything on his own, so you and Potter end up with most of the blame, and he can do your homework during your detention," Minerva explained. "And Potter is dating Evans, is quite smitten, and is deathly afraid of her. He wouldn't do anything to anger her."

"Yeah, Prongs is whipped," Sirius said, a look of disgust present on his face. Minerva cringed.

"I would appreciate it if no aspects of Potter and Evans's relationship were discussed," she said coolly.

She really didn't need to know anything about their relationship, especially of how whipped James was. Just because she had placed a few sickles on them in the staff betting pool on when they would get together didn't mean that she approved of the relationship. But, since, sadly, Minerva knew that Lily had fallen for James hard, she humored the Head Girl's relationship with James, and actually secretly enjoyed it, since James was no longer causing as much trouble. Still, if she was to know the exact details of the relationship, Lily and Minerva's Wednesday afternoon tea would be very awkward.

"Fine with me," Sirius agreed. "It's awful, those two. Bloody disgusting."

Before Minerva could readily agree, she decided to fix Sirius with a glare. "You're changing the subject. Now, explain. And it better be a good reason."

"I've lost the will to prank without James," Sirius said solemnly. "It's sad, I know, but without Jim, I am incomplete. I cannot complete a prank without my soul-brother."

"Bollocks," Minerva said, and Sirius gave her another one of those blank stares. She waved her hand and said, "I swear, get over it." Then, adjusting her glasses, she said, "You pulled seven and a third pranks after Potter got together with Evans. It's not his absence that's bothering you."

"Your odd Marauder-stalking obsession is actually quite unhelpful for me," Sirius observed glumly.

"I don't stalk; I observe," Minerva corrected. "I leave the stalking to the Club."

"You know about the Club?" Sirius asked with a small smirk.

Oh, yes. She knew about the Club. Who _didn't _know about the Sirius Black is Dead Sexy and We Love Him and His Perfect Ways fan club? (It was shortened to SBDSWLHHPW, but it was still a mouthful, so it was usually referred to as 'the Club'.)

"They came to me and asked to make it an official club. They have shirts and everything." Minerva shuddered. "It's terrifying. I have no clue why a group of girls would want to devote themselves to stalking you."

"Their shirts are nice, though. I got a free one," Sirius said.

"They are nice," Minerva admitted begrudgingly. Hers was a lovely shade of red. "Still, I do not stalk! I simply have a comprehensive file on you four. And, for the life of me, I cannot comprehend why in Merlin's name you haven't attempted to pull a prank in twenty-three days!"

"Repression, depression, and impression," Sirius said smartly. Minerva shot Sirius a blank look, and he sighed. "I realized that I had been repressing my feelings for quite some time, and then I was depressed about it because I realized that repression was actually quite a good thing, because it keeps those bad, betraying feelings that make you want to _do _things away. Then I decided to impress while I was at it, because it ends with '-press', and I already had two of those, and three is a much more impressive number.

"I'm actually thinking about throwing in 'digression', which I have sadly done a lot, because four is a much better number than three. It's even, pretty, and made up of lines, because, face it, curved numbers are just a bit creepy. See, that's why one-hundred forty-seven is my favorite number; no curves, y'know, so—"

"_Aren't depressed people supposed to be quiet?_" Minerva asked, exasperated. "For once, Mr. Black, _please _try to do things correctly."

Sirius's expression was a strange one. It seemed to be classified somewhere amongst pain, dark sarcasm, seriousness, confusion, and humor. If Minerva even _wanted _to attempt to try to decipher it, it would take her hours, along with costing her many galleons and much chocolate to bribe the people who knew Sirius best, so they would help her. After six and a half years of dealing with the Marauders, though, Minerva knew which looks to attempt and which to ignore. This look definitely fell in the latter category. She fell silent for a moment, waiting for Sirius to speak.

"Fine. I was depressed. Properly depressed, after the repression passed, and I didn't even _think _about impressing, and I'm not sure it worked—actually, I'm pretty sure I just worried everyone." Sirius crossed his arms. "I can't help it, alright? I don't do emotions well, and I was confused, which was bloody awful, but now I _really _want to be confused again, because you can pretend when you're confused and it'll be easy.

"When you know things, it's harder, because the damn things keep telling you you're wrong, and you just want them to go away, and bloody _hell _I really want to have no clue again, because ignorance is bliss, and that cliché is right, and I'm aware how long my sentences are and that I'm not breathing and I've sworn four times in the past twenty seconds, and damn, I need to _breathe_."

Sirius stopped speaking, inhaling deeply, and then exhaling. His eyes darted around the room whilst Minerva watched him closely. She noted, actually _concernedly_, that he was gripping the sides of his chair so tightly that his knuckles were white. Now she actually felt quite bad for dragging Sirius into her office, because he was obviously in a state, too.

"Do you want to…talk about it?" Minerva asked tentatively, wondering why the bloody hell she was asking to have a conversation with Sirius. Then she took another look at Sirius's worried face and white hands and found her reason. As much as she hated to admit it to herself (and it would take a stampede of wild hippogriffs to convince her to say it aloud), she…_liked _Sirius. She liked Sirius, and James, and Remus, and Peter, the Marauders. And she felt sorry for them when there was a problem or row, often eavesdropping and invading their privacy because she _cared_, damn it, so why wouldn't Albus just accept that and stop looking at her with those damn twinkling eyes every time her caught her?

"I don't want to talk about it," Sirius admitted. "I want to ram my head against large, sharp rocks. Repeatedly. And with force. I don't even know if it's possible for me to form sentences out of my thoughts."

This was a different Sirius, Minerva realized. One that she didn't see often, nor did the rest of Hogwarts outside his selective group of friends. It was the pessimistic, worried, blatantly honest in the most self-deprecating way Sirius, who acknowledged that life did sometimes screw you over and everything wasn't all laughs and dung bombs. She wasn't sure how she felt about this Sirius, but she wanted to hear more from him.

"It'll be even more difficult if you lose brain cells whilst banging your head against those sharp rocks," Minerva said. "Talking is less painful and less mentally scarring."

"Blimey, you really want to hear what I've got to say, don't you?" Sirius asked, slightly amazed.

Minerva shrugged noncommittally. "I've devoted the past six and a half years to keeping you and your friends from burning down the school. I have an interest, a curiosity. But on a completely non-stalker level."

Sirius nodded his head and ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at a knot near the ends. He was thoughtful for a moment, lips pursed, eyes glazed. Then, rubbing the back of his neck, he spoke.

"It's all really confusing, y'know? When I finally sort of figured out what was going on, I was pretty much shocked. But then, I thought, 'Hey, confusion done and over with. Wotcher, clarity.' Except it didn't work that way, because I'm less confused in about twenty ways, and more confused in about twenty-five. Because it all really doesn't make sense, and I'm pretty sure that it's _not _supposed to be happening, but I'm not really sure, because I've never met anyone like me. I _know _there's others, but I haven't met them, or don't know who they are, so that's no help.

"But it's…all strange. My stomach gets that strange feeling and I start to smile even though I know that I shouldn't. Because it's good and bad, although more bad, because I only think that part of it is good, which means everyone else is going to agree with the bad, so it'll be bad. And I really don't _want _it to be bad, because it sometimes feels quite nice, and I often have these moments where I think, 'Wow, this could work.' But _then _bloody clarity gives me a swift kick on the arse for being such an optimistic idiot and I want to fling myself off the Astronomy Tower, or drown my sorrows in cookies, or whatever. Y'know?"

Sirius looked at Minerva expectantly. With a sigh, Minerva confessed, "I'm afraid I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Would you mind being a bit more specific? Like, actually telling me what your problem is, because you're pants at describing."

Sirius's and Minerva's eyes met, and she actually registered nervousness and fear in Sirius's eyes. She gently prodded him. "Come on, Mr. Black."

"You're going to think that it's disgusting," Sirius said in a small voice. Suddenly, a thousand thoughts flew into Minerva's head. She immediately took notice of the most prominent thought in her brain.

Sex.

Or more accurately, problems with sexual performance.

Now, just to be perfectly clear, there are many things that Minerva would do instead of discussing Sirius's sex life with him. Some of those things included wrestling a hippogriff, cheering for Slytherin whilst they won the Quidditch Cup, and gnawing off her own foot.

But…

She.

Was.

Worried.

There it was. She was worried about Sirius. She hated that he was always silent, because it made her nervous and concerned and unable to concentrate, and bloody _hell_ she really wanted to help Sirius through this so he could be normal again, because he was really a quite fun bloke, depending on your definition of 'fun'.

"You can tell me," Minerva urged quietly. "I won't judge you. I promise."

Even though her common sense was screaming at her to shut up and kick Sirius out, she looked into his conflicted eyes once again.

"I'm in love," Sirius said finally. "I'm in love."

Minerva breathed a sigh of relief. Oh, so _that's _what it was? She could handle this. Love was okay. Love was good and dandy and didn't even _need _to have the subject of sex tacked onto it, although they came up together a large amount of time. She stifled a small smile. Only a seventeen-year-old boy could think that love was _disgusting_.

"Love is perfectly natural, Mr. Black," Minerva explained in a gracious tone. "It happens all the time. I assure you, it's—"

"—with a bloke," Sirius finished, cutting Minerva off. "I'm in love with a bloke."

Minerva's eyes widened. "Oh," she breathed. Because, really, what else could she say?

"See?" Sirius said accusingly, mistaking Minerva's surprised "oh" for something that it wasn't. "I _knew _it. Even you—and you're—so I—and no one—and it's—because—you know—UGH!"

"Mr. Black!" Minerva said sharply. "I said, 'oh.' There is no need to work yourself into an even larger state. I was surprised, and that was it. No, I am _not _disgusted, simply frustrated, because you seem to be incapable of finishing a single thought. Now, please breathe, think, and make sure that your next sentence includes a subject, predicate, and period."

"You don't think that it's disgusting?" Sirius asked quietly. Thinking of his sentence's lack of a period, he added, "I thought you would."

"Of course I don't think that it's disgusting, Mr. Black," Minerva snapped. "Why would I think that? I stand by my earlier statement. Love is perfectly natural. It doesn't matter what gender the person is."

"Have I ever told you how much I love you, Minnie?" Sirius asked breathlessly.

"Well, you haven't proposed to me in nearly four weeks, so I was beginning to wonder."

"Sorry about that. I've been depressed."

"That's fine. It's was actually quite refreshing in the beginning. That ring was beginning to look appealing, and I was having a hard time turning you down," Minerva said dryly.

"You know that you'll always be my number one girl, right, Minnie?" Sirius asked.

"I would be terribly jealous if I was anything less," Minerva deadpanned. Truthfully, she was fighting back a smile, because she was looking into Sirius's eyes again. Whilst the rest of his face was going through carefully trained motions, his eyes were flashing with the brilliance of hope and acceptance. She realized that this was what Sirius had needed: someone to tell him that he was fine, that he was normal. Well, as normal as Sirius Black possibly could be.

"It's not Potter, is it?" Minerva asked out of nowhere. Well, maybe out of nowhere to Sirius, but not to her. That thought had been lurking in her mind ever since Sirius uttered the word 'bloke'. Because, really, wasn't it one of the most logical conclusions to come to? Sirius and James were best friends, and Sirius would gladly feed James's girlfriend to the giant squid. Maybe Sirius didn't just think that Lily was an insufferable, red-headed know-it-all. Maybe he was _jealous_.

"James?" Sirius repeated, incredulous. Then he threw his head back and let out a loud bark of laughter. "I'd rather date Dumbledore. Seriously, Minnie, Prongs is like my _brother. _He's better than my brother, though, because I actually like Prongs, unlike Reg. That is one of your stranger thoughts."

"Possibly," Minerva admitted. "But you do hate Lily very much. It's semi-logical."

"I don't _hate _Evans," Sirius insisted. "I simply dislike her strongly and wouldn't mind if she just _happened _to be eaten by Marlene. Even though Marlene is quite fond of Evans, so I doubt she would."

"Marlene?"

"That's what I named the giant squid."

"How do you know what gender it is?"

"I used my intuition," Sirius said, winking. When Minerva shot him a hard look, Sirius sighed. "Okay, I _guessed_. But she just _looked _like a Marlene, y'know?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Black, but I've never chosen names for the giant squid."

"Call her Marlene," Sirius said stubbornly. "After all, how would you like it if we called you the giant professor?"

"I would enjoy it very much." Sirius looked at her strangely. "I would have so many more people to clean my classroom during detention."

"You're a sly one, Minnie."

"Of course, Mr. Black. Now, may I ask, why exactly were you doing research on the giant—Marlene?"

"Because I had to know how she would react if I tossed Evans in," Sirius admitted.

Minerva rolled her eyes. "And you wonder why I thought that you were jealous of Lily."

"I am," Sirius said bluntly. "I'm extremely jealous of the redheaded bint. But not because I would like to date Jim. That is _wrong. _Just _wrong._"

"Fine, I made a mistake, you don't fancy Potter. Well, who is it, then?"

Sirius hesitated. "I really don't want to…"

As curious as she was, Minerva reminded herself that this was _not _a soap opera, and there were actual human emotions involved. So, biting her tongue, she relented. "Okay, Mr. Black."

"Thank you," Sirius said, relieved.

"But, if there is anything else you would like to say…"

Whilst Sirius chewed on his bottom lip, searching for the words to say, Minerva started to think. Really, _truly _think, about the blokes Sirius associated with and how he treated them. She immediately crossed all Slytherins off her mental list (they were only on it in the first place because she considered hexing a form of association). Next came most Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and her lovely mental phoenix-feather quill dashed through a few Gryffindors. She was aware of Sirius's mouth moving, but she felt like she was close, so she nodded distractedly and continued to think.

Smith…no…Lovegood…no…Georges…no…McNalley…no…Beckett…no…Potter…no…Pettigrew…no…Lupin…

She realized that she couldn't say no to Remus.

She mentally paged through some of the moments between Remus and Sirius that she had noticed particularly. They, of course, associated a lot, being best friends and roommates. But maybe…there was something different between the two of them?

As soon as Minerva started to go through her memories, she realized that her list had been a waste of time.

In every memory she had of them, they were touching. Sometimes just an elbow…a finger…an arm around the shoulders or waist…it was _there_. There were the secret smiles…the heavy-lidded looks from Sirius, complete with the thick, dark lashes and sultry grin. There was the flirting, the contact, the everything. It was _so bloody obvious_.

"Lupin!" Minerva blurted out. Sirius met her gaze strangely, and she remembered that she hadn't heard a word that he had said. Ignoring that, she continued. "It's Remus, isn't it?"

Sirius looked conflicted. Finally, he admitted. "Yeah. How did you know?"

"I think the question is: Why did it take me so long to realize it?"

"Am I that obvious?"

"Only to those who watch."

"I'm surprised that the Club hasn't figured out yet."

"Oh, I'm sure they know," Minerva said. "They're most likely just in denial."

"I would be too, if I knew that someone like me was playing for the team opposite of mine," Sirius admitted. "I'll have to autograph their shirts to console them when it all comes out."

"You're planning on coming out to everyone?"

"Eventually. Possibly. Maybe. If I feel like it."

"So you really do love him?"

It only took a second for Sirius's features to soften. "Really. Like, a lot. I don't know why, or how, but…he's so _Remus. _He's so unlike and like me at the same time. He smiles at me when I laugh at something I shouldn't laugh at, and he always helps me out of whatever messes I get myself into. He cares about me, y'know, and I really hadn't had much experience with caring until I got to Hogwarts.

"He's just so _perfect_, Minnie, he really is. He does things that _should _be annoying, but are just _fantastic _when he does them. He likes to read too much and he's too obsessed with chocolate and he has some early signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

"And…he doesn't dot his 'i's and I have to remind him to cross his 't's and he writes his 'a's all funny. He has a bump on the ridge of his nose because he broke it when he was eight, and he has these crisscrossed scars on his wrists that aren't from the wolf, but they're fading because he says that he hasn't done them since second year. He also approaches me when I'm in a mood, which I _should _hate, but I don't because he talks to me and refuses to leave me alone until I confess whatever is bothering me to him.

"And for the past twenty-odd days he has listened to my horrible excuses, given me that _look _that tells me that he _knows _that I'm lying, but hasn't said anything about it. He gives me chocolate and grabs my hand and tries to cheer me up, because he's so wonderful and beautiful and Moony.

"Sometimes it scares me that I know all of this stuff, that I notice all of this stuff, because it reminds me that I'm getting in too deep, and I'm pretty sure I'll drown. But I think that I won't mind if I drown in him, because he smells like ink and cinnamon and the new textbooks and is just so _pretty_, which is strange, because he's a bloke, but he's just very _pretty. _But not in a girlish way.

"And I'm positive that this is making no sense to you, and you're probably concerned for my sanity, but I love him, so none of that matters. And, I'm pretty sure I know where the phrase 'madly in love' comes from, because I'm positive that I'm twice as mad as I was before I realized I was in love. But I really don't want to ruin my friendship with him, because I have no idea what I would do without my Moony. He's just so… I love him."

Minerva smiled. She smiled because Sirius was breathing heavily and his face was flushed and his eyes were shining. She smiled because Sirius was in love, and if Remus loved Sirius too, they would be the best things to ever happen to each other.

There was silence for a bit. No, not complete silence. There was Sirius's heavy breathing and twitching to fill that void. Still, Minerva could almost _hear _Sirius's energy slowly expelling as he faded back into the calmer state that he had been in before his declaration. Finally, he met her eyes with a small, even smile. She returned the smile with a slight curl of her lips, folding her hands together on top of her desk.

"How long?" she asked lightly.

Sirius pulled a face, thinking. Minerva could see color starting to flow back into his hands. His breathing was now steady as he spoke. "I've probably been repressing for about a year. And a half. Plus three months."

She grinned, as this was the true style of Sirius Black. "You could have just said a year and nine months and saved yourself the trouble of doing the math, Mr. Black."

"Are you implying that I'm not good at Arithmancy?" Sirius asked indignantly. His voice was a bit forced, but it made Minerva feel like this odd situation was normal.

"You _did _say that two plus two was seven…" she reminded him in a slow drawl, watching his face contort into some sort of indignant amusement.

"I thought we agreed that that incident was off the table, Minnie! It was in first year, and James had Confunded me." His bottom lip jutted out comically as he folded his arms crossly.

"It still doesn't make the story any less amusing."

"You're evil, Minnie," he said with the same sullen tone, although the corners of his lips were beginning to quirk up into that unavoidable grin.

Minerva smiled. "That I am. But, you have to admit, I am helpful."

"Occasionally," Sirius admitted grudgingly. "Although you didn't really help me much today," he insisted. "Sort of just…coaxed."

"Of course, Mr. Black," Minerva said lightly, humoring Sirius. Sometimes Sirius needed to be humored. In matters like these—matters that reflected on his sense of confidence and self-control—he needed it most.

After a moment's silence, Sirius quietly asked, "Do you think I should…y'know…tell him?"

Minerva pressed her lips together, thinking. She wasn't sure what she should say, because she really didn't know the answer. She really wasn't sure if the looks that Remus gave Sirius were friendly, or anything more. She didn't want to say the wrong thing. She didn't want him to get his heart broken. Finally, she said, "I don't know, Mr. Black. You have to do what you think is right."

"Well, that's helpful," Sirius said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He gave Minerva a small smile, though. "Thanks, Minnie."

She waited a beat before saying, "Anytime, Sirius."

Sirius stood up to leave. As he began to open the door, hand on the knob, Minerva called out, "Sirius?"

He turned on his heel, looking at her expectantly. "Yes?"

She hesitated a moment before saying, "Come back soon. Fill me in on the developments."

Sirius grinned wickedly. For the first time in weeks, she saw his eyes sparkle with that familiar brilliance. "You are way too interested for your own good, Minnie."

"I am," Minerva admitted, shrugging. "But you are my best entertainment. And—I admit—I am curious about how this will turn out."

"And I thought you knew everything about the Marauders," Sirius said in mock surprise.

"Not everything, Mr. Black."

Nodding, Sirius shot Minerva one last grateful look before leaving. She smiled, closing her eyes briefly. She really, truly hoped that Remus returned Sirius's feelings. Not for entertainment's sake, but for Sirius's. Sirius _needed _Remus. She could tell. And although she was _positive _that Remus would never end his friendship with Sirius because Sirius fancied—or, more accurately, was in love with—him, she wanted Sirius to have something more. She wanted them both to have something more. Because, as Sirius had said, they were completely unalike, yet completely alike. Minerva couldn't help but think—and she snorted at the thought—that they would _complete _each other.

Minerva spent her lunch hour shuffling through papers on her desk, realizing how little she truly knew about the four extraordinary boys that called themselves the Marauders, and how much she dearly wanted to know.


	2. Remus

**A/N: Remus's time with Minerva! Thank you for all of the fabulous reviews.**

**Disclaimer: Still not mine.**

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"Erm, good morning, Professor McGonagall."

She really shouldn't be doing this.

"Good morning, Mr. Lupin."

She _really, really _shouldn't be doing this.

"The weather is nice today, isn't it?"

This was definitely on the list of the top ten things that she _should not do_.

"It's uncommonly warm for March, isn't it?"

But she was, in fact, doing it.

She was interfering in students' love lives.

"Yes. We were—erm—discussing that yesterday."

She was interfering in _Sirius's _love life.

"So was—eh—I."

But it was all for the greater good, wasn't it?

Remus Lupin sat uncomfortably across from Minerva, his hands folded in his lap and his back straight. He was, obviously, confused about why he was in her office. She had _seen _the confusion flit across his face when she had requested that he come down to her office after breakfast. It was a sunny Saturday morning, and she knew that he and Sirius had been planning to spend the afternoon by the lake. (She wasn't sure if James and Peter were involved; she had only eavesdropped on the relevant bits.) She figured that she would be able to get in an hour before they departed, which was exactly what she needed.

"Professor McGonagall," Remus started, "would you mind, er, informing me why exactly I'm here? Not that I don't enjoy speaking to you, but I'm curious."

Minerva took a moment to be thankful for the fact that students like Remus Lupin existed. As much as she enjoyed (it would take a stampede of wild thestrals to force her to admit it) Sirius, Remus was his complete opposite—and wonderful, at that.

Remus was the sort of student that most professors loved. His work was always in on time, he didn't disturb class, and he actually did extra credit. He even called her _Professor McGonagall. _Amongst students, this had become a rarity. She was now known as "the Big McG". Always behind her back, of course, and "Professor McGonagall" to her face, although there were certain exceptions. James and Sirius called her Minnie (in class, Professor McG). Although she did rather enjoy the nicknames (again, wild thestrals), it was refreshing to hear a moniker of respect.

It wasn't exactly a new thing for Remus to be in Minerva's office. He had been reprimanded for pranks on many occasions, although it had been quite some time since he had been to her office when he was innocent. Through first and second year, though, Remus had visited Minerva every month. They had both pretended that they were just nice, casual visits, but they had known what the visits really were—counseling sessions.

Five days after the full moon, Remus would drop by and talk to Minerva about things like homework, essays, the moon, and, most importantly, how he was adjusting. Minerva could still remember their visit in November of first year. Remus had told Minerva, eyes shining, that he had three friends—Sirius, James, and Peter. She could remember her heart breaking and mending—if possible—at the same time as eleven-year-old Remus excitedly explained to her that these three boys were his first friends ever.

"And then Sirius said, 'What are friends for?'" Remus had recapped excitedly. "_Friends, _Professor McGonagall! He's my friend, and so are Peter and James!"

Their visits had slowly become shorter during second year, then diminished in third. It was because in second year, on a December afternoon, Remus had told Minerva that his three best mates had figured out that he was a werewolf—and didn't care!

"Sirius said, 'Of course nothing will change, you daft prat! You're still our same Remus. You just have a slightly…_furry _issue that appears for a few hours every month. We're not going to run for the hills because of that!'" Remus had laughed joyously, eyes shining. "James said that I was one of his best mates, and he would never abandon me because of my 'furry little problem', as did Peter. They know, Professor McGonagall! They know, and they don't care!"

After that, she supposed, Remus had found counseling in his friends—although she rather suspected that he was the best counselor out of the group. Still, he hadn't needed her anymore.

She could remember those times from first and second year. She could remember every hope, every dream, every small, seemingly mundane thing that excited Remus beyond belief.

Now, more than four years later, they were back in her office, this time for another reason.

She was going to advise him.

About his love life.

About Sirius.

About whom he should _date_.

About…_he was gay, right?_

That thought came to Minerva suddenly. Was Remus gay? She wasn't quite sure. Then again, she hadn't guessed that Sirius was gay (perhaps a bit _curious, _but never gay), so maybe she had no idea with Remus. She would have to approach the issue delicately, though, because this was simply something that professors did not out-rightly ask their pupils.

"I just wanted to"— Minerva cleared her throat—"talk to you about…_life. _We haven't talked in a bit, have we?"

Remus smiled in an odd, confused sort of way, nodding his head. "Yes. It has been a bit."

"So, how are things with you?"

"Fine. Just fine. You?"

"Oh, great."

"That's…nice." Remus's smile was still strained.

Minerva decided to get straight to the point…sort of. "How about…erm…a girlfriend? Have one? Broken up with one? Want one? Or, perhaps, a…erm…_friend _of the…uh…_male persuasion..._"

"Are you trying to ask if I'm gay?" Remus enquired, amused. His eyes seemed to be laughing, and the corners of his lips were tugged up in a genuine smile.

"Yes," Minerva admitted, deciding to be straightforward. "Was I that terribly obvious?"

"Terribly, Professor."

"Minerva," she said quickly. Remus cocked his head to the side, shooting her a confused look. "I'm sorry," she said in a rush, "but I can't discuss sexuality with a person that calls me 'Professor'. It's unnerving."

"That's quite alright, Minerva. Call me Remus in return. It's odd enough to be discussing anyone's sexuality, especially mine, with a professor who calls me 'Mr. Lupin'."

"Okay, Remus," Minerva agreed. "Now…?"

"Am I gay?" Remus supplied, his eyes still dancing. The light calmed, though, as his teeth sunk carefully into his bottom lip, thinking. "Yes," he said finally. "I am gay."

"Good," Minerva breathed, and Remus's eyebrows shot up in surprise. Minerva quickly bit her tongue, realizing that most students would think that it was strange for a professor to be so relieved that they are gay. Minerva coughed loudly. "I mean…er…_good _that you told me the truth."

"I wouldn't _dream _of lying to you, Minerva."

Minerva was fully convinced that Remus had spent too much time near Albus. His eyes were dancing in that bemused, smug way, and it was driving her mad, as it did when Albus did so.

"If I may ask, why do you want to know?"

"I'm just…naturally curious, I suppose."

"Really?" Remus raised an eyebrow.

Minerva had no idea _how _Sirius, James, and Peter were able to put up with Remus. He was so…_omniscient_. It was as if with the quirk of his lips and the lift of an eyebrow, he knew everything that she was thinking, feeling, and trying to push out of her mind. For Merlin's sake, he probably already _knew _that Sirius fancied him, and was just being a nice, good mate and not saying anything about it. The boy was probably a bloody mind-reader and was just humoring the rest of the world by pretending that he had no idea what they were thinking.

She made a mental note to not let Albus and Remus spend any time alone together. They'd rub off on each other, and make everything worse for her. For Sirius, too.

"And…I…erm…had my…eh…_suspicions._"

Okay, so it wasn't _entirely _true. Fine, it wasn't true in the least. But, really, what else could she say? _Sirius and I spoke yesterday. Guess what? He's gay, and he's mad for you! So I decided to drag you down here and see if I can get the two of you together, because Albus won't get me cable and I care about you two too much for my own bloody good!_

Oh, yes. That would go over well.

"_Suspicions?_"

Minerva noted with a slight bit of sadistic pleasure that Remus was no longer smiling and all-knowing and confident. His lips were pressed together in a thin line, and his fingers were interwoven. In a quiet voice, he asked, "Is it that obvious?"

Instantly, Minerva felt awful. Oh, what had she done? She was eavesdropping, matchmaking, conspiring, and worrying innocent people! This was _not _proper behavior, and she knew it.

…but why was it so impossible to stop?

"It—it isn't," Minerva quickly stuttered. "No, not at all. It's just…I'm your Head of House. I _know _these things. No one else does, though. So no need to worry."

She actually felt pretty confident that her nervous statements were true. After all, if Sirius hadn't known Remus was gay, who else would? She couldn't imagine Peter or James being any more perceptive than Sirius, who was, as he said, in love with Remus. Surely Remus's other two friends wouldn't have noticed anything more than Sirius, which meant that no one else—with the exception of Lily Evans, possibly—could know.

"Good." Remus slowly released a deep breath. "You sure?"

"Pretty positive."

"Good," Remus said again, nodding his head.

Minerva supposed he had a right to be nervous. She couldn't exactly say that everyone would be fine with Remus (and Sirius) being gay. Their close friends, of course, would accept them, and she was sure that most Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs would be fine with it.

Ravenclaws, on the other hand, would hate the Marauders no matter what they did. After the Great Library Stunt of '74 (which Remus hadn't taken part in, but was still held in account for, since he hadn't stopped them, although he hadn't known about the plan in the first place), the Marauders were forever blacklisted in the house of Ravenclaw. They even had a dartboard in their common room with a picture of the Marauders tacked to it. Sirius's face was covered with so many holes that you wouldn't have been able to tell it was him if you hadn't seen the original pictures. Gay or not, Ravenclaws were forever against Sirius, and, to a lesser extent, Remus.

Slytherins were obvious: they would attempt to make Remus and Sirius's lives miserable. It was in their nature. The homosexuality would just give them more ammunition.

"So…Remus." Minerva cleared her throat. "Do you, perhaps, _fancy _anyone? Any bloke?"

Remus looked at her strangely. "Y_eeeee_s," he said slowly, drawing out the word. "I've taken a bit of a fancy to someone. Why?"

Fully aware of how ridiculous she was acting, Minerva crossed two fingers behind her face and thought _Sirius. Sirius. Please let him fancy Sirius. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. Remus and Sirius. Moon and star. Come on, they were _made _for each other! RemusandSirius RemusandSirius RemusandSirius._

She wouldn't really be very surprised if Albus brought in a few Healers from St. Mungo's to escort her to the psych ward. At this point, she actually thought that a week's stay would be good for her barely-intact sanity.

"You do seem to be awfully curious about many things, Minerva."

There it was again. Those _laughing _eyes, that _lilting _voice. He _knew _something. He probably knew _everything. _And, perhaps, if she could gather her wits and remember how to form proper sentences, she would be able to find out what exactly he knew.

"Who is he?" she blurted out.

_**What is wrong with you, Minerva? You've been teaching at Hogwarts for the past twenty-two years! **_**Twenty-two! **_**You **_**know **_**not to do this. Professors do **_**not **_**interfere with students' personal lives, they do **_**not **_**set up meetings to find out who students fancy, and they do **_**not **_**attempt to get students together! It's all really simple! WHY CAN'T YOU GRASP THAT?**_

_Because I care about my students too much for my own bloody good! There you go! Now, leave me alone! This is hard enough; I don't need my conscience harping on me every few seconds. I can handle this! _

Minerva's conscience pulled a face before turning on its heel and stalking away, leaving her mind in a _slightly _more peaceful state. Shaking her head, she snapped back into the reality of Remus's white hands and shocked expression.

"Do you—do you _really _need to _know _this?" Remus stuttered, incredulous. "I mean—is it really necessary?"

"Of course!" Minerva responded quickly. "It's for…Quidditch! Oh, yes, Quidditch! That's it!"

"You need to know…who I fancy…because of…_Quidditch_," Remus deadpanned. Minerva fought down a flush when she realized just how daft her excuse really was.

"Yes! Quidditch and such! See, erm, if the bloke you fancy is on the….er…_Quidditch _team, he might be…eh…_uncomfortable_, which would…eck…ruin his playing."

With a simple quirk of an eyebrow, Minerva immediately knew that Remus saw through her. Fortunately, he humored her by saying, "No, he's not."

She nearly smiled. This was a _good _thing. Sirius had been kicked off the Quidditch team in third year, after The Great Tsunami Incident. He was, in fact, banned from the pitch. That ruled out…four blokes.

Minerva's heart sank when she realized that it was true. She had only ruled out Xavier Jordan, Andrew Bell, George Wood, and James Potter. The other three players were female, and were off her list to begin with. Still, she supposed to scratching off James was a good thing. He and Remus were very close.

"Is he good with Herbology?" she asked.

Remus regarded her with a strange look, but answered, "No. He hasn't the patience for plants."

Again, Minerva felt like jumping up and dancing. There went Peter. He was ace at Herbology, his best subject and James and Sirius's worse. _Sirius _hadn't the patience for plants. She had heard him insisting that they were slow, dull, and mundane, or evil pods of doom. Either way, they didn't make pretty explosions, and, as he said, "had it out for him."

There went two of Remus's best friends, with only one left. She had a good feeling about this.

"Gryffindor?"

"Is this Twenty Questions?" Remus asked. "I'd like to know."

Minerva had the decency to flush slightly as she searched for a reply.

"Well, you see, I can just _tell _this is obviously burdening you, and as your Head of House, I thought that I could be of some service. If we could perhaps speak about it freely—"

"Sirius," Remus said abruptly, and Minerva was aware of her heart skipping a few beats.

"Repeat that?" she said quickly, wanting assurance for what she had just heard.

"Sirius. I fancy Sirius," Remus repeated bluntly. "I bloody well fancy Sirius."

Minerva had to admit that she was a bit shocked. She hadn't _expected _this. It was Sirius-like behavior, James-like behavior, Lily-like behavior, even, but she had never heard it from Remus.

He had just said _bloody_.

_**Get over that, Minerva! **_that irritating little voice in her head urged her. _**The bloke just admitted he fancies Sirius. I'm giving you permission to do a mental happy dance. Take advantage of that!**_

Minerva allowed herself a fifteen second mental happy dance before returning her attention to Remus, who seemed to be in a state of shock. Whether it was because he had frankly admitted that he fancied Sirius or because he had said a curse word in front of a professor, Minerva didn't know.

"I think," Remus said in a low, rasping voice, "that you just managed to convince me to admit who I fancied using terribly obvious persuasion methods."

"I did."

"Cor."

Remus and Sirius really weren't that different, were they? They both underestimated Minerva, and got quite a shock when she proved them wrong.

The fact that she had proved them both wrong completely by accident really didn't count.

"I really don't know _why_," Remus said, apparently over his shock. "I mean, this school is chock full of blokes. Handsome blokes. Smart blokes. Funny blokes. But, somehow, _none of them _are even _close _to Sirius. He's just so…beautiful. And clever. And witty. No one else can compare."

Oddly, Minerva could agree with Remus. Whilst she wasn't as willing to list Sirius's greater attributes, she would admit that no one could compare to Sirius. He was in another league; another category. He was just so wonderfully _different_.

"He's an oxymoron," Remus went on, "but when I tell them that, he gets indignant and tells me that he is not a moron, thank you very much. But he _is. _An oxymoron, I mean, not a moron.He contradicts himself in the most delicious way, and he's completely clueless about it.

"He has the worst handwriting of anyone I've ever met, yet he sits behind me and rests his chin on my shoulder whilst I'm writing an essay and points out that my 'i's are un-dotted and my 'a's look wonky and takes the quill from my hand and crosses every single one of my 't's so they don't look like 'l's. And he does it all with that distinct _smile, _not the one that he flashes his fan club or gives you, but that small, Sirius smile that he only gives me. And it makes me feel so…I dunno. Just so _special. _Because I have that smile, and no one else does.

"He probably has more family issues than the rest of Hogwarts combined. He laughs at the most inappropriate times, and he has repressed everything that remotely resembles a manner or politeness. He doesn't know what's going on half of the time, and the other half he's controlling everything. He loves eyeliner and spends hours trying to convince me to pierce my ears and has every Bowie record available, along with every Beatles record. He loves Muggle mystery novels, he is _obsessed _with that Muggle cartoon, _Peter Pan, _his favorite number is one hundred forty-seven, and he says the most random things at the most random times.

"Also—his _arms_. You've seen his arms. They're like the equivalent of parchment to him. He jots down notes and things to remember and interesting facts on his wrists, his hands, his forearms. And when you grab onto his arm, or wrist, or hand, you pull away with your hands darker, or with faintly smudged words on them. He'll write on other people, too; just grab their arms and write down a quote or lyric or word that he likes. I once went around a week with the lyrics to 'Eleanor Rigby' written on my right forearm, because he decided that it was his new favorite song. Then, the next day, he'll decide that he likes a Bowie song better, and I'll have 'Ziggy Stardust' written in circles around my wrists. He's just…great like that.

"He's moody, though. You know that as well as I do. When he's in a mood, he's horrible. He just barricades himself behind his bed hangings until I burst in with chocolate and an inordinate amount of patience. My mum used to say I had the patience of a saint, which really isn't true, because a saint would give up on Sirius before I do. I just _sit there _and wait for him to confess his problems.

"For the past three weeks, I've listened to every half-arsed excuse he's come up with. I've listened to every single lie, and I've smiled, nodded, and accepted it. Something is wrong with him, and I do admit, I'm bloody _hurt_, because he tells me everything that's wrong with him. Jim is his best friend, sure, but he doesn't know half as much about Sirius as I do. I know how to deal with him, how to take care of him, what to do when Sirius's face turns white and his hands start shaking.

"I probably even know _too _much about him, which is perhaps why I fancy him. Actually, I don't even think I really fancy him. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him, and I have absolutely no idea how I'm able to say this so calmly, so don't ask me. But, that's probably it. Yes, I'm in love with Sirius Black."

Minerva wanted to smile. She wanted to smile, and dance, and sing, and possibly embarrass herself in front of the entirety of Hogwarts. She was just _that happy_. This was all good. It was a good thing; these were good things.

"You love Sirius," McGonagall repeated, pressing the soles of her boots firmly into the floor. "You do?"

"Yes," Remus clarified. "Yes, I do."

What could she say? _Sirius loves you too! He told me yesterday! Now, go and snog by the lake. _

She wanted to. She really, _really _wanted to. She would carry Remus to Sirius herself. But, somehow, she didn't think that either would take it too well. She would have to be more…_crafty_. So, instead, Minerva yelped, "Fantastic!" as she stood up.

Remus looked at Minerva, concerned. She ignored his look, grabbing his upper arm and hauling him out of his seat.

"It was very nice talking to you," Minerva said hurriedly. "Now, go and enjoy the rest of your Saturday. Have fun! Goodbye!"

With that, she shoved Remus out the door and slammed it shut in his shocked face. As soon as she heard footsteps disappearing down the corridor, she jumped up into the air and began dancing.

She had some scheming to do.


	3. James, Lily, and Peter

**A/N: Now Minerva has to deal with Lily, James, and Peter. Poor woman. This chapter has a lot of JPLE, and there will be some in the fourth part, too.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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For the record, _they _came to _her._

"Lily! Lily, dear, you know I love you! Lily! Lily, let go of my ear! Ouch! Please, please! I promise I won't run away again! Just—OW! Lily, I happen to know you enjoy that specific part of my anatomy—EEEEEEEE! Sorry, out of line, disrespectful, shutting up. But—MY EAR! IT BURNS!"

"If you shut it, I'll let go."

"Lily, please try not to kill him whilst there are so many witnesses."

"Fine, Peter, but only as long as he doesn't run again!"

"I won't!"

"Promise?"

"Yes, Lily love."

"Fine."

Minerva heard the three tripping down the corridor long before her office door flew open and Lily Evans, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew came barreling in. James was gently massaging his left earlobe, and Lily looked slightly agitated. Peter was a few steps away, avoiding Lily's anger.

Minerva often wondered why Lily put up with James, but she was always reminded: they were both barking mad.Although, as madness went, Minerva preferred Lily's kind. It involved less of a clean up for her, mental scarring for only those who deserved it, and, usually, she agreed with it.

A big glaring difference, though, was Lily's inexplicable feelings for James. Yes, Minerva admitted that she was quite fond of him. He did keep life…_entertaining. _And they _had _spent a lot of time together. Currently Sirius held the record for most detentions, and though James had lessened his pranking since he got together with Lily a few months ago, James had been the frontrunner. They had come to know each other quite well, but that didn't mean that she could understand why Lily wanted to spend more time than necessary with James.

James sat down in a chair, Peter in the other. Lily carefully perched herself on James's knee, turned to give him a quick kiss, and turned back to Minerva.

"Good afternoon, Minerva," Lily said, flashing her Transfiguration professor a smile.

"You too, Miss Evans," Minerva said politely. She reminded herself that this was a Saturday afternoon meeting, not Wednesday afternoon tea, and decided it would be easiest if she used Lily's surname, even if the girl was going to call her "Minerva".

"Hullo, Minnie," James said cheekily from behind Lily, adjusting her on his lap so he could see Minerva.

"Potter, Pettigrew." She nodded in each boy's direction, and Peter murmured a quick "hello".

"I saw Remus come in here earlier," Lily said conversationally, and immediately Minerva knew why the redhead had (quite literally) dragged James and (willingly) Peter down to her office.

"He did," Minerva clarified.

"Black came in yesterday."

There was an obvious look of distaste on Lily's face as she mentioned Sirius. Sirius and Lily's dislike was quite mutual.

"Yes."

"Did they tell you why they've been acting like complete pricks for nearly all month?"

"Lily!" James gasped quietly, amazed. If possible, his eyes reflected an even higher level of hero-worship for his girlfriend. Minerva, on the other hand, had listened to many of Lily's rants about "that insufferable Black" and "that annoying, egotistical, determined, awful Potter" (before they got together, of course), most which were filled with many profanities which most students didn't use in front of their professors. Lily and Minerva had a rather different bond, though. They had been meeting for tea on Wednesdays for about two years, now, and had grown rather close, although Minerva was pretty sure that only the ever-omniscient Albus Dumbledore knew.

"Black, yes. Lupin, I'm not sure. I noticed Black's behavior, but Lupin is usually pretty well-behaved…"

"He's moped about for the past _three _bloody weeks," Lily said, earning another surprised gasp from James. From the small smirk playing on her lips, Minerva could tell that Lily was playing this up for her boyfriend. It was almost cute, in an oddly disturbing way.

"I assume that you already know what is wrong?" Minerva asked Lily, raising an eyebrow. Lily nodded.

"I have a theory."

"What theory?" James asked. "I want to know! Why didn't you share the theory with me?"

Lily twisted slightly and pressed a succinct kiss to her boyfriend's lips. Brushing a lock of hair out of his eyes, she gave him a sympathetic look. "I didn't want to share it unless I was absolutely sure."

"Are you now?" James asked.

Lily shrugged. "Possibly."

There was a moment of silence, until James prompted: "Well? What's your theory?"

"Minerva?" Lily asked, turning to face Minerva. She angled her body so she was blocking James's view. "Do they want to—?"

Instead of finishing her sentence with words, Lily chose to use a rather crude hand gesture to convey her meaning. James, being behind her, didn't see what she was doing, but Peter and Minerva most definitely did. Peter's eyes widened, and Minerva yelped a sharp, "Lily!" whilst fighting down giggles that she knew would _really _cross the line.

"What? What?" James asked wildly, squirming to see around Lily. Lily grabbed onto the edge of Minerva's desk and dug the heel of her shoe into James's shin until he stilled.

"One second, love," she said, trying to regain her balance on James. Instead of explaining to James, however, Lily repeated her question to Minerva. "So, do they want to—?"

Lily demonstrated her hand gesture again. Minerva hesitated before answering. There _was _supposed to be a certain sense of confidentially between student and professor. But, neither Remus nor Sirius had _specified _that she shouldn't tell anyone, and besides, James, Lily, and Peter weren't just _anyone. _They were _someones, _and someones had more of a right to know than anyones, or no ones. In fact, it was almost a _necessary _thing. So, taking comfort in her skewed logic, Minerva answered, "They didn't say so in so many words—or gestures—but, yes. They do."

"I knew it!" Lily exclaimed, smiling. James was still confused, and Peter's eyes held a tiny glint of understanding.

As Lily celebrated internally, the full gravity of what Minerva had just done hit her.

She had pried into students' love lives.

She had happy-danced when she had found out that two students could be together.

She had talked about students' _sex lives _to other students using _hand gestures_.

This was so, so _wrong_.

"I started suspecting two weeks ago, when they were both so miserable. Then it became painfully obvious, but I didn't want to intrude," Lily explained rapidly. Minerva raised a knowing eyebrow.

Lily was a painfully interfering girl. She loved matchmaking, spying, and prying. She could be awful about it, too, but she could tell you anyone's secrets—she usually wouldn't, though, because she liked knowing things out of pure curiosity, not out of any desire for exploitation. When Minerva had once repeated the old adage, "Curiosity killed the cat," to Lily, Lily had simply responded, "You're the cat, not me."

That was why it wasn't very believable that Lily had simply sat idly by whilst she knew that there was _something _between Remus and Sirius. She was the type who would chain two people together who had feelings for each other until they acted on them. In fact, she had done it before, with good results (if you didn't count the mental scarring and days spent in the hospital wing).

"Fine," Lily relented. "_I _wanted to intrude, but Ella talked some sense into me—I was discussing my suspicions with her. Then she had people keep an eye on me to make sure I didn't do anything…_rash. _I was able to control myself—mostly. Kingsley did have to lock me in that cupboard for a bit, but I got over it."

Now, _that _sounded like Lily.

"Could someone _please _inform me what is going on with two of my best mates?" James demanded from behind Lily. He adjusted so she slid directly into his lap, and he wrapped his arms around her middle, poking his face out from behind her side. "I saw them first, you know."

Peter nodded in agreement. Lily met Minerva's eyes, questioning. When Minerva realized what Lily was asking, she sent Lily a look that clearly said, "He's your boyfriend; you tell him his best mates are gay." Lily pulled a slight face before turning her upper body to face James.

_Gently, _Minerva willed silently. _Gently, Lily_.

Now, Minerva knew that James—and Peter—wouldn't take the news badly. In fact, she was pretty sure that Peter already knew (after that hand gesture, how could he _not_?), and he hadn't run screaming yet. James would certainly be fine with it. He loved Sirius and Remus, and he would accept them without a doubt.

However, that didn't mean that the whole thing wouldn't come as a _surprise. _James was rather an expert with denial, as he had demonstrated throughout the six years during which Lily had repeatedly told him that she wanted him to fall off a cliff and die, which, in James's mind, had translated to, "I love you; marry me." She suspected that he was able to translate any body language or look between Remus and Sirius from, "Let's shag in the broom closet," to, "Platonic-ness! Yay!"

James also didn't do surprises very well. The entirety of Gryffindor knew that surprises and James didn't mix after The Incident That We Will Not Speak of Under Any Circumstances Whatsoever, So Shut It, Get a Life, and Go and Bother Someone Else, You Prat of '75. Minerva definitely did _not _want a reliving of that incident. Just because they wouldn't speak of it under any circumstances whatsoever didn't mean that she didn't remember it.

She would never be able to look at those lampshades in the same way.

"Well, you see…" Lily began, trailing off. She tucked a lock of red hair behind her ear, chewing on her lip thoughtfully. She squinted her emerald eyes, thinking. Finally, after a few moments of silence, she said: "Black and Remus are…well…you see, now…"

_Oh, Merlin, it _was _love. _Minerva hadn't ever seen Lily use so much regard to the way she phrased something. She wasn't beyond bluntness, and could sometimes be painfully honest.

Finally, it came. "Remus and Black…well…they're bloody flaming poofters who are mad for each other!" _Never mind that_. "Gay, in love, want to shag, the whole shebang."

Minerva didn't even know that it was _possible _for someone's jaw to drop so far.

"Remus and Sirius…" James stuttered, his eyes wide. "They're…?"

"Gay, in love, want to shag, whole shebang," Lily repeated.

Peter was taking the news silently and acceptingly. On the other hand, though, there was Mr. Oblivious, who had decided to throw a bit of a confused fit.

"THEY'RE GAY?"

"Yes," Lily clarified.

"THEY'RE GAY?"

"Yes."

"THEY'RE GAY?"

"Yes, Mr. Potter, they're gay," Minerva said, exasperated.

"WHY DIDN'T I KNOW?"

"Because you're painfully oblivious," Lily replied.

"WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME?"

"Because of this."

"THEY'RE GAY?"

"Mr. Potter, is it possible for us to carry on this conversation at a volume that doesn't hurt my ears?" Minerva asked sharply.

"WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THAT THEY WERE GAY?"

"Sorry, Minerva," Lily said apologetically, turning away from James. "He's pretty much a hopeless case."

"I've gathered that much," Minerva said grimly. "And you wonder why I can't wrap my mind around your relationship?"

"Not really," Lily admitted. "Sometimes I can't even wrap my mind around it. It's bloody love. Works in evil ways."

"Cupid must have it out for you."

"I've always had that theory."

"_THEY'RE GAAAAAY!_" James wailed.

"Minerva, may I?" Lily asked politely. Minerva nodded slightly. Turning, Lily slapped James on the cheek sharply.

"Snap out of it!" she ordered. "As your girlfriend, your friend, your classmate, and your _everything_, I _order _you to shut up and accept your friends' homosexuality! Now!"

James blinked. He blinked twice. He blinked again.

"Oi, no reason to be so overdramatic," he said.

"_Overdramatic!_" Lily grumbled, turning away and adjusting herself on James's lap. "_Yes, _I'm _overdramatic. Of course. Not like Mr. Drama Queen over there._"

"I was _surprised_," James sniffed. "I don't do surprises very well."

"James, you've spent the past six and a half _years _in the same dormitory as them. How could you _not _know?"

There was a pause. Then, James began somberly, "When I was nine, Mum took me to St. Mungo's." Minerva, Lily, and Peter shot him strange looks, wondering what relevance James's childhood had to this situation, but let him go on. "She had thought that I might have had a problem. So I talked to this Healer—she was really nice, and she had these _loooong _legs—although I prefer short legs," James covered quickly, glancing at Lily's jean-clad legs, which, being proportionate to her 5' 2" frame, could hardly be considered long.

"So, anyways," James continued. "We talked for a bit, and then the Healer diagnosed me."

"Without an examination?" Lily asked.

"Yes." James nodded vigorously. "It was _so _serious that she could tell without an examination. See, I've suffered from this for all my life. It's been difficult—an uphill climb, you could say. There are no magical cures for it. I was thinking about discovering one after we got out of Hogwarts, but I decided to slot that in _after _I save the world and _before _I become a famous Quidditch star.

"You see, I suffer from…" James lowered his voice. Lily was twisted around, her green eyes soft and concerned as they focused on her boyfriend. Minerva found herself holding her breath, waiting for James to reveal his disease.

"I suffer from…Selectivity."

James's face was so serious that Minerva really, _really _wanted to laugh. Instead, though, she decided to ask him a question, considering that she had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

"Selectivity?" she repeated. "Potter, what in Merlin's name is _Selectivity_?"

"It's a very rare and serious disease," James explained gravely. "It can lead to ignorance, cluelessness, pain, torture, suffering, and gray hair. I suffer, specifically, from Selective Sight and Selective Hearing."

"_What?_" Lily demanded. "Selective _Hearing_? _Sight_?"

"Yes," James said. "I'm sorry that you had to find out this way, Lils."

Lily looked like she was torn between laughing hysterically and slapping James across the face again. Before she could act on either impulse, Minerva asked quickly, "Potter, by any chance, was your leggy Healer a psychologist?"

"Sorry, my Selective Hearing was acting up that day," James admitted sadly. "I missed any real description."

Minerva felt like banging her head against her desk. She looked over at Peter, who seemed to have already had suspicions about James's "condition", as he didn't look as disturbed as Lily.

"Merlin, my boyfriend is a psychopath," Lily breathed. "A bloody _psychopath_."

Minerva couldn't resist shooting Lily an "I told you so" look.

"So, Jim, you're saying that because of your…_Selectivity_…you managed to ignore the fact that Remus and Sirius have wanted to shag each other for the past year?" Peter tried, obviously trying to make sure that neither Minerva nor Lily would try to kill James.

"Right on the nose, Pete," James agreed. "Right on the nose."

Minerva looked over at Lily, who was writing something on her palm with a Muggle ballpoint.

_NOTE TO SELF: Bring James to St. Mungo's and examine him for any genetic psychological disorders before procreating. _

Minerva wasn't sure which scared her more: the fact that James Potter might actually be certifiable, or the idea of a mini James-and-Lily.

She decided that both were equally frightening in their own special way.

"Now that James has stopped yelling spastically, let's get to the main issue," Lily said, slipping her pen into the pocket of her jeans. She settled back comfortably on her boyfriend, his chin resting on her shoulder. "How, exactly, are we going to get Remus and Black together?"

"Ignore them and hope they come to their senses?" Peter suggested.

"Won't work," Lily dismissed. "I think they may have caught James's Selectivity. Next?"

"Write raunchy love notes to them and pretend they're from the other person?" James said.

"I don't think that Remus is even capable of writing the word 'raunchy'," Lily said, an eyebrow raised.

"You'd be surprised," James mumbled. Before Lily could ask what he meant, he added, "We could attach nude pictures to the notes?"

Lily was morbidly curious. "And where would you get these nude pictures?"

James's expression shifted uncomfortably. "Never mind; Lils, your idea?"

Lily grinned. "I'll try to feed Black to Neil. Remus will be so distressed that he'll passionately admit his love to Black, and Black will return the admittance before being swallowed whole," she said with sadistic pleasure.

"Two problems, Miss Evans," Minerva said. "One: if Black is dead, they won't be together. Two: who is Neil, and why would he eat Black?"

"I haven't worked out the first one," Lily shrugged, "but it gets rid of Black, which is a good thing. As for Neil, he's the giant squid."

"I thought that the giant squid was a girl named Marlene," Minerva said. Lily's eyes flashed with anger, and Minerva found herself shirking back.

"That's a sore issue with Lily and Sirius," James explained quickly. "Sirius thinks that the giant squid is female and named Marlene; Lily thinks it's a male named Neil. There have been many arguments about it. Remember the week that Sirius's hair was green?"

Minerva nodded. Who could forget? Sirius had spent the entire week whinging to Minerva and trying to get Lily expelled. She had eventually cast a repelling charm around herself, so Sirius couldn't get within two meters of her.

"That was because Sirius made the giant squid a shirt that said, 'My Best Girl, Marlene'. Lily wasn't too happy about it."

Minerva closed her eyes briefly. Merlin, what was the world coming too?

"And what's your opinion on the issue, Mr. Potter? Is it Neil or Marlene?"

"Neither," James replied smoothly. "It's a hermaphrodite named Jamie."

"Pettigrew?"

"It's safest to side with James," he answered.

"Why don't we just decide that I'm right, everyone else is wrong, my idea would be good if Remus and Black could still get together if Black was dead, and we need to hear Minerva's idea?" Lily said. "Agreed?"

There was nodding as three pairs of eyes settled on Minerva. Sighing, she quickly described her idea.

"I separately tell them that they need to see me privately. Once they're both in here, wondering where I am and since when 'private' meant 'private plus a friend', I lock them in. There's an Imperturbable Charm on the door, so no one will be able to hear them trying to get out. I'll transform and hide in a drawer until they get together. Once they do, I'll let them out and we'll all be happy, without the need to scar them for life with raunchy notes and pictures."

"Minerva, you are pure genius." Lily smiled winningly. "And, of course, we'll be there, too."

"How—?"

"Don't ask questions, and you won't need to know the answers," Lily said mysteriously. Although it sounded suspiciously like the Head Boy and Girl were going to be breaking rules, Minerva decided to take Lily's advice. After all, if they hadn't been caught yet, whatever their methods were couldn't be too bad, right?

Right.

Ish.

"So, that's the plan?" Minerva asked. Lily nodded quickly, and James and Peter exchanged a look before nodding, too.

"With a few slight—erm—_adjustments_, everything should go perfectly," James said, and Minerva could practically _see _the air of mischief. Nonetheless, she too nodded.

"Tomorrow, then?"

"Tomorrow," Lily, James, and Peter chorused, standing up. They all said their goodbyes and, with smiles, departed to, undoubtedly, rework the plan. With their vigorous nods and their beatific smiles still lingering in her memory, Minerva dropped her head onto her desk and groaned.

What had she just gotten Remus and Sirius—and, more importantly, _herself_—into?


	4. Minerva

**A/N: This is, regrettably, the last part. Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed!**

**Warning: Fangirly!Minerva. Can you blame her, though? Seeing Remus and Sirius together is enough to turn anyone into a fangirl.**

**Disclaimer: Still, unfortunately, not mine. If anyone talks to JKR, tell her I would love the rights for my birthday.**

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"Minnie asked me to give you this."

Sirius only caught sight of messy dark hair and flared Muggle jeans as James darted down the corridor after pressing a piece of folded paper into Sirius's palm. Shaking his head curiously, Sirius carefully unfolded the note.

_Mr. Black-_

_Come to my office today at 3:00. We need to privately discuss what we spoke of the other day. Please be punctual, and do not do anything stupid._

_-Professor McGonagall_

Vaguely amused, Sirius tucked the note into his pocket and checked his watch. 1:07. Still about two hours to kill. Smiling, he rushed off to find Remus.

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"Minerva wanted me to pass this on to you."

Remus only saw flaming red hair flying past him as Lily disappeared into the shadows. He plucked the folded note that Lily had slipped into his hand off his palm, and made quick work of unfolding it. In Minerva's neat hand, it read:

_Mr. Lupin-_

_Please come to my office today at 3:00. We need to privately discuss what we spoke of the other day. _

_-Professor McGonagall_

Remus carefully refolded the note and slipped it into his pocket. He could worry about the meeting later.

Now, he had nearly two free hours on a sunny Sunday afternoon, and one largely smiling Animagus approaching him.

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She was _stupid_.

This was _wrong_.

It was all _insane_.

And, yet, she was going through with it.

Minerva curled up in a file cabinet drawer, her cat eyes gazing at James whilst he pulled it partially shut. She still had a crack that she could peer out of, so she could watch everything that would hopefully unfold.

"Awww, wook at da pwetty kitty!" James said in a high pitched voice that most people used to speak to infants. Minerva always felt bad for those poor babies. "Be a gwood wittle kitty, Minnie!"

With a smirk, Minerva realized that, until then, James hadn't known that cats were able to make obscene gestures.

Minerva watched as Lily threw her arms around James's neck and kissed his cheek soundly, and then pushed him into the corner. James sat down first, leaning against the wall. Lily lowered herself into his lap, resting her head against his shoulder. Peter sat next to the two and nodded. Smiling, James pulled something out of his pocket, and the three disappeared.

Minerva blinked her yellow eyes. How did they just disappear like that? They didn't Disapparate. Did they have an Invisibility—?

No. As far as Minerva was concerned, they had nothing. If she didn't know what they had, she wouldn't have to do anything about it. So, no. No Invisibility Cloaks present. Nope. Invisibility Cloak? What Invisibility Cloak?

Oi, she really _was _pathetic.

She decided it didn't matter, though. They only had a few more months at Hogwarts; what trouble could they get into?

Then Minerva realized that that was about the _worst _question that she could have asked herself, because various scenarios of everything that could happen (all of it bad) began flitting through her mind. She attempted to comfort herself by thinking about Lily, strong, controlling Lily…until she realized that Lily would adore about half of the ideas that were floating around in her head.

_Remus and Sirius_, Minerva reminded herself. _Do it for them. Do it for the natural balance of the universe. Do it because they belong together. Do it so James and Lily will stop making such obvious sexual gestures in Remus and Sirius's direction during breakfast, therefore scaring any younger students within four meters of them for life._

_Do it because Remus has just walked in, and there's nothing you can do about it now._

"Minerva?" Remus called as he shut her office door behind him. He peered around curiously. "Minerva?"

Shrugging, Remus sat down in a chair, calmly waiting for Minerva to show up. She did feel a bit bad, but then Sirius walked in, and she realized that this was the beginning of the end.

"Remus, what are you doing here?" Sirius asked, surprised. Minerva's feline ears barely heard the nearly silent whisper of_ obfirmo _from the direction in which James, Lily, and Peter **were not **hiding underneath an Invisibility Cloak.

"Minerva—ahem, Professor McGonagall asked sent me a note to come down," Remus explained, standing up.

"Moony," Sirius said, a wicked grin spreading across his features and his gray eyes glinting with amusement, "using the great Minerva McGonagall's given name now, are you, in a place where she could hear? I thought that you were all, 'We must call Minnie "Professor McGonagall" when she can hear us.' I'm proud."

Just after listening to that simple statement, those few words, Minerva felt like a complete and utter berk. Because, really, how could she have _not _known? How could she have not deciphered that smile, that glint, that she saw so far into now? How could she have not been able to tell, just from a look, that Sirius was mad for Remus? How could she not have been able to tell, by the joyful look claiming Remus's face, that he was just as mad for Sirius? Why was it so obvious now?

"Don't think I'm going lax," Remus replied, his eyes just as amused as Sirius's. "Minerva herself gave me permission."

"Nice." Sirius grinned. "No 'Minnie', though?"

"Not where she could possibly hear me. She's not here, but it's her office, isn't it? She probably has it set up."

Sirius clapped his hand on Remus's shoulder, and Minerva saw Remus's face flush. "Clever, Moony. Clever," Sirius said.

"Always."

Now she really, really felt daft. She was contemplating banging her head against the side of the _extremely small drawer that James had put her in _to get out her frustration, but she decided to save the head-banging for when it wasn't necessary to stay unnoticed.

"Why do you think Minnie wants to see us both, then?" Sirius asked curiously, swinging gracefully down into a chair. Remus sat in the other chair, and both boys angled their bodies so they were facing each other.

"Do y'think she called down 'Tail and Prongs, too?" Remus wondered.

"No. Prongs said he was off to spend the day with that insufferable bird with the hair, and Wormtail is off to win to affections of Miss Sheila Mathers, Hufflepuff Seventh Year. They would've told us if they had a date with Minnie."

Remus smiled. "'That insufferable bird with the hair'? Pads, I thought you were calling her 'Evans' last week. What happened?"

"Marlene," Sirius said simply, his voice stubborn and pouting.

"Padfoot, do the gender and name of the giant squid really matter?" Remus asked. "In the grand scheme of things?"

"Yes. Marlene matters extremely. We did have a bit of an argument, though. She actually _likes _that bird with the hair, and won't eat her."

Remus rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "Maybe if you attempted to like Lily, you and Marlene wouldn't have so many domestic tiffs."

"She hated me first," Sirius said childishly.

"That's because you gave her bright green spots in first year."

"_Accidentally_."

"You _accidentally _gave her bright green spots?"

"I was aiming for Snivellus. She walked in my path."

"I don't think she would care. She still has two, you know. One on the inside of her elbow and the other on her hip."

"How do you know?" Sirius asked, and Minerva heard that _jealousy, _that jealousy that she should have been able to see earlier. It was so bloody _obvious_, because Sirius had wanted Lily to disappear off the face of the earth many, many times, but he had never sounded like he did now, like he wanted to make her disappear himself and then throw a 'that insufferable bird with the hair is gone' party.

Remus must've heard some of the rashness in Sirius's tone, as he asked, with a small smile, "Trying to protect Prongs, there? Don't worry. I'm not with Lily, and never have been. But you've even seen the one on her elbow. I pointed it out one day, and she said she also had one on her hip. Completely innocent, I promise. She's Prongs's territory."

"_I am_ _not his territory!_" Minerva heard Lily hiss, but she guessed that Lily had either shut up on her own accord, or James had silenced her, because Lily said nothing else.

Remus's eyes darted around the room. "Did you hear something?"

Sirius shook his head. "I don't think so."

Minerva breathed a sigh of relief, and then sent a glare in the direction of where she thought James, Lily, and Peter were hiding. She hoped that her glares were still as menacing in cat-form as they were when she was human.

Sirius stood up. "I think I'm going to check around the corridor, see why Minnie is late for our date."

Remus nodded, and then said mockingly, "I'm sure she must be in dire danger if she is missing valuable time with the great Sirius Black."

Sirius grinned. "I must go save my darling damsel."

Minerva watched attentively, waiting for it to happen. Sirius walked slowly over to the door, reached out…and his hand flew back, quickly followed by the rest of him. He fell onto his chair, knocking the chair over and banging his head on the floor. Remus rushed over to Sirius, who was lying pathetically on the floor, clutching the back of his head.

"Padfoot! Are you okay?"

"Fine," Sirius grumbled, sitting up. "Except for the gigantic bruise that is currently growing across my head. Bloody hell, did Minnie do that to her own door?"

"Possibly," Remus shrugged.

In truth, it had been Lily who had cast the _entirely too strong _Imperturbable Charm on the inside of the door once Remus and Sirius had entered. Minerva would have to discuss the fact that injuries weren't really _that _romantic with Lily, especially when said injuries were obtained in an Imperturbable office where no one could sort them out.

Sadly, she already knew that Lily would listen to every word Minerva said, catalogue them, and then completely forget about the whole conversation when it came to her next matchmaking scheme.

It was the Lily Evans Way.

"Why would she want her door to maul people with its secret forcefield of doom?" Sirius asked.

"It's probably just a very, very strong Imperturbable Charm," Remus reasoned. "There's one on the other side of her door when she has meetings or doesn't want anyone to come in. Maybe she just…used too much force when she cast this one."

"So, we're locked in, sort of?" Sirius asked.

"Until Minerva undoes the charm."

"And since she is currently _not here_…"

"We're locked in."

Sirius groaned, and Remus grabbed Sirius's arm, helping Sirius up. Sirius gave Remus a grateful smile as he settled into his chair.

To support her own innocence, Minerva wanted to note that she had _no idea what spell Lily used_.

All she knew was that the spell led to Remus and Sirius being thrown out of their chairs and magically snapping together on the ground.

"Abuse!" Sirius screeched. "Child abuse!"

"Sirius! Stop screaming in my ear!"

"She's abusing us!"

"No one's here!"

"Child abuse!"

"You're seventeen!"

"Adult abuse!"

"My ears!"

"EEEEEE!"

As Minerva watched the intelligence of two very smart seventeen-year-old wizards quickly dissipate, she felt bad for the future, humanity, and the world.

She was going to talk about Lily's choice methods once this was over. For now, she would pretend that this was all James's fault, because it made her feel better.

Remus grabbed Sirius's wrists, and, after a few seconds, Sirius calmed down. Minerva peered through slanted yellow eyes, watching the scene unfold in front of her. As she saw how close Remus and Sirius were, fronts pressed together as if they were stuck with glue, hands clamped over wrists, eyes locked, she realized that maybe Lily was right, and that matchmaking could really be as easy as gluing two people together until they started snogging.

Or, in Remus and Sirius's case, it could be _slightly _more complicated.

"Are we glued together?" Remus asked.

"I think so." Sirius frowned. "First we're Imperturbable-d in, and now we're stuck together. I think that there's something going on, and it's not my paranoia telling me."

"No. That's your ever-elusive common sense," Remus said wryly.

"You wound me, Moony."

"It's my calling in life."

"Find something else."

"Oh, but it's much fun."

They were leaning in. Merlin's kneesocks, they were leaning in! Their lips…oh, oh. Oh, Merlin. They were barely a centimeter away. Oh, they were going to…

"Moony, you have this little birthmark thing, right above your lip," Sirius said. Minerva felt her heart sinking. "Like, a freckle."

"Really?" Remus asked. "I've never noticed."

"I have," Sirius said offhandedly. "It's cute."

For that second, it seemed like time froze. Sirius and Remus certainly froze. Minerva watched as Sirius's body immediately tightened as he realized what he had just said, and saw Remus freeze in reaction to Sirius. They were _attached _and _lying _on the _floor_, yet they were there, _frozen_, doing _nothing._

"I meant that in a, y'know, way that…like, birds would think it's cute," Sirius stammered.

"Of—of course," Remus stammered in return. "I knew that."

"Erm, good."

"Yeah, great."

Minerva felt like beating both boys over the head with a chair. Thankfully, her lack of opposable thumbs reminded her that, no, she could not do that, because it would mess up the plan. However, she could see nothing wrong with doing it later, so she catalogued it in her mind.

"Sooo…" Sirius started, eying Remus carefully. "Should we try to…unglue ourselves?"

"I think I might know a spell…but my hands are glued to your wrists," Remus realized. "Bugger. That isn't going to work."

"You did grab my wrists," Sirius reminded him.

Remus rolled his eyes, a small grin playing on his lips. "Maybe if you hadn't launched into some sort of voluntary seizure, I would be able to get my wand."

"It was magical adult abuse."

"I'm sure it was."

"It _was_," Sirius insisted stubbornly.

"And now we're glued together."

"Until Minnie comes and saves us."

"Who ever thought we would be the damsels?"

"I had my suspicions about you. You do have very damsel-y hair. Like Rapunzel."

"Was she the one who ate that apple?"

"No, that was Snow White."

"The glass slipper?"

"Cinderella."

"The lazy, sleeping one?"

"Briar Rose."

"Then who was Rapunzel?"

"The one with the _hair _that the prince climbed up to save her from the tower."

"Ouch. That had to be painful."

"It's a fairy tale, Sirius. Things are only painful when they make the characters look good."

"I think that it would have been nice if Rapunzel's hair would have ripped off single strand by single strand until the prince tumbled to his death."

"It's a children's story. Although the original version probably had something like that."

"Like that one story that you read to us, where the two bints hacked off their toes and heels?"

Remus gave a long-suffering sigh. "Yes, like _Cinderella_, Sirius."

Although Sirius opened his mouth to respond, Minerva didn't get to hear what he was going to say, as two whispers of _somnus _came from a corner of the room, and suddenly Sirius and Remus were asleep on the floor, heads lolling to the side. James, Lily, and Peter reappeared, and Minerva started meowing loudly. Lily quickly opened the drawer, picked up Minerva, and set her on the ground. Minerva happily transformed, adjusting her pointed hat as she resisted the urge to lick her hand.

"I can't _believe _this," Lily whinged as she perched on the corner of Minerva's desk. "I mean, really. I _glue _them together, for Merlin's sake, and what do they do? They discuss _fairy tales_. Not even the snogging parts of them, but the apple and shoe and sleep parts of them! This is so very _wrong_."

"What are you going to do about it, Miss Evans?" Minerva asked, for, no doubt, Lily Evans knew _exactly _what she was going to do to fix this.

Lily examined Minerva carefully for a moment before saying, "You didn't see this." Minerva nodded, and Lily pulled a phial out of the pocket of her Muggle flares. Minerva looked away quickly when she registered the pink liquid inside the phial.

"_I am not seeing this. I am not seeing this. I am not seeing this. I am not seeing this_," Minerva muttered quickly to herself. James, on the other hand, appeared to be seeing thisbecause he quite loudly exclaimed, "Lily! Is that a love potion?"

"_Not seeing this. Not seeing this. Not seeing this_."

"_Yes_," Lily hissed. "It's a love potion."

"But that's—"

"Against school rules, I know."

"_Not seeing. Not seeing. Not seeing. Not seeing_."

"Lily, you can't use a love potion!" Peter insisted, but the second his mouth closed, it looked like he wanted to retract his statement. Lily turned blazing emerald eyes on him, and he swallowed hard.

"Why not?" Lily asked in a low voice.

Peter swallowed again. "We already know that they love each other. The love potion will just give them more feelings, but they'll be artificial. So it won't be real when they admit their feelings for each other. And that will accomplish nothing."

Lily scowled. "I hate it when other people make sense." She tucked the phial back into her pocket. "Fine. No love potion. Which didn't exist in the first place."

"Love potion? What love potion?" Minerva said obediently. Oh, Merlin, she so deserved to be sacked.

"Now, to my idea," James said, sticking two fingers into the pocket of his jeans. "We could tip a bit of—"

"Mr. Potter, let it be known that I can _always _see Veritaserum," Minerva warned.

"Pete, what do you have?" James asked quickly, withdrawing his fingers.

Peter grinned. "Anyone up for a pride parade?"

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Minerva was in a drawer.

Lily, James, and Peter were hiding _with no Invisibility Cloak whatsoever _in the corner.

And Remus and Sirius were waking up, unattached, to several not-very-good-to-wake-up-to sights.

"Light!" Sirius exclaimed in a sleepy voice. "It burns!"

"Bright colors," Remus moaned. "Ugh."

Minerva couldn't imagine the level of horror that the two boys felt when they finally registered the scene in front of them. She couldn't imagine it because the level of horror she was feeling was so high that it seemed impossible to be any more horrified, but Remus and Sirius undoubtedly were, because this was all directed towards them.

"Is that a rainbow?" Remus muttered, his eyes slowly opening.

"Mmmmmm," Sirius groaned in response. "Colors. Bright. Light. Evil. Hate."

"Pain. Torture. Suffering. Death," Remus growled.

Minerva couldn't help but think that Lily should have used a better awakening spell. She also couldn't help but think that she and Lily should have taken James and Pettigrew more seriously: Remus and Sirius definitely _weren't _morning people.

Sirius rubbed his eyes and attempted to sit up. "Bouncing. Color."

"Letters," Remus finished as he stretched his arms out in front of him. "Bouncing color letters."

"'It's okay to be gay,'" Sirius read, squinting at the rainbow letters that were hopping together in midair.

"'It's okay to be gay'?" Remus repeated. "What the hell?"

"Someone Imperturbables us into Minnie's office, glues us together, knocks us out, and then decorates the office with bright colors and tells us it's okay to be _happy_?" Sirius spat.

"Who could be happy under these circumstances?"

She was vaguely aware of Lily, James, and Pettigrew simultaneously banging their heads against the wall. She felt like joining them.

"It's legal to AK someone under these circumstances, right?" Sirius asked. "Confident bastards, they are, whoever's doing this."

Remus rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes, leaning back against his chair and fighting to stay awake. His eyes locked on the rainbow letters, then widened. "Since when do letters have mouths?"

Sirius glanced at the letters apprehensively. "I don't think that's a good thing."

"I have to agree."

And, as Remus and Sirius shirked back in their seats, the colored letters bared their sharp teeth and burst into song. Song being a very, very, _very _loose interpretation of the noise that the letters were spewing.

"MAKE IT STOP, MOONY!" Sirius screeched. "MAKE IT STOP!"

"MY WAND IS GONE!" Remus yelled back.

"SHIT!" Sirius swore as he searched for his own missing wand. "WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE HATE US SO?"

As Remus and Sirius began throwing their shoes, chairs, and other various objects at the letters, Minerva couldn't help but think that they were overreacting. Okay, so the song wasn't the _best_…but it wasn't that bad, was it?

_Fine_. It was _that _bad. The song consisted of James, Lily, and Minerva singing (for lack of a better word) three songs at the same time ("I Know A Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves", "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star", and "God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs", respectively) whilst Peter shouted, "It's okay to be gay!" over and over again. Lily had also spelled in a nice baseline, some drums, and a brilliant guitar solo to "spiff it up". Minerva had recorded it and charmed the letters to sing the song loudly to Remus and Sirius, hoping that it would spar them to get together.

_I am an idiot_, she thought. _Get them together? No. The only thing this will accomplish is one of them hurling a chair at the other's head and both of them somehow dying. I am never, _ever _listening to Pettigrew, Potter, or Evans _ever again

Minerva, who was curled up on top of Remus and Sirius's wands, really wasn't too worried about the two locating them. However, the fact that she could tell that various injuries would definitely ensue was not a good thing.

"Sirius, kindly do _not _throw paperweights at my head," Remus said through gritted teeth.

"Sorry, Moony," Sirius apologized, briefly pulling an innocent face in Remus's direction. With that taken care of, he picked up said paperweight and threw it in the direction of the letters. Remus had taken to sitting down and massaging his temples with two fingers, wincing in pain.

This was _not_ going well.

"Merlin, I'm hallucinating," Remus breathed, staring at the floor. Sirius quickly darted to Remus's side, also looking down.

"If you're hallucinating…so am I," Sirius said. "Are those…?"

"_Goldfish._"

Yes, Minerva had kept all of the still-living goldfish from the "God Save the Queen" incident. She just felt too badly for the poor animals to kill them, or turn them out on their own into the lake. Marlene/Neil/Jamie didn't have much of a liking for goldfish. So she had put them in a nice tank and stored them in her bedroom. Now, though, she had decided that they could be put to much better use. And, with a few charms, she and Lily had twelve goldfish inhaling oxygen and singing whilst wearing rainbow costumes.

"It's like that time when I drank too much at the Ireland vs. Scotland Quidditch match," Sirius said. "All of the rainbows…the hallucinations…"

"At least _you _aren't the one singing," Remus pointed out gratefully, even though the letters' singing was considerably more quiet. Sirius shot him a look of mock outrage and mussed Remus's hair. Remus looked up, grinning, and swatted Sirius's hand away.

Minerva felt like melting. Really, she felt like turning into a huge pile of female mush. Because it was _cute_. The flirting was _adorable._

"We don't have wands," Remus pointed out apprehensively. "Throwing objects at letters doesn't work…so…"

"We brutally and directly attack the evil singing letters of doom?" Sirius suggested.

Remus grinned. "Yeah, something like that." He paused. "The fish?"

"Put them in water?"

"What water?"

"This!" Sirius said, snatching a glass of water off Minerva's desk. Minerva winced. They really should have remembered to hide the glass they used to transport the fish.

Remus and Sirius quickly scooped up all twelve fish and stuffed them into the glass. Considering that those fish were breathing air, not water, they quickly died and struggled to float to the top.

"Erm…okay," Remus said awkwardly, looking at the cup of dead fish. Minerva felt a certain sense of loss. The fish were fun to try to catch when she was a cat.

Deciding to give the poor fish a proper burial later, Minerva sighed and watched as Sirius grabbed a floating letter. The letter promptly sunk its teeth into Sirius's hand. He let out a cry of pain, and Remus rushed over to Sirius, abandoning the dead fish.

"What did you do, Padfoot?" Remus asked.

"Why do you automatically think that I did something wrong?"

"Because you always do something wrong."

"Good point," Sirius shrugged, "but the letter attacked me!"

Remus looked at the "I" lying harmlessly on the floor. Raising an eyebrow, he stooped down. Although all of the letters were still singing the "song"—albeit very quietly—this one was silent. Remus carefully picked up the letter with his thumb and forefinger, inspecting closely. Then, suddenly, it snapped and bit into Remus's finger. He quickly dropped the "I", biting his lip to keep from saying anything.

_Note to self, _Minerva thought. _Next time, when charming letters to sing, make sure that they don't have large, sharp teeth or evil biting tendencies. Or just don't have Lily do it. _

Yet, Minerva couldn't help thinking that maybe Remus and Sirius would look at each other, feel sympathy for each other's pain, and start snogging on her desk. Yes, she was at the point where she really wouldn't mind them snogging on her desk.

As long as they picked up everything and put it back in its place when they were done, of course.

Sirius took a chair and swung it around, successfully knocking into all of the letters. They silenced, finally, and both Sirius and Remus gave small sighs of relief. Still, Remus swore. "Damn it." He groaned quietly. "I have a headache, my finger hurts, and…what is this?"

"It looks like a photograph," Sirius said conversationally as he approached Remus. "Of…ohh, I like his shirt!"

Cue head banging.

Remus and Sirius had been _locked _in, _glued _together, _knocked _out, _woken _up, _sung _to, and now, they had been given a picture of _two blokes snogging. _And what does Sirius say? What do they say?

"I like his shirt too," Remus commented. "They look familiar."

_Of course they look familiar_, Minerva wanted to scream. _They're Peter and James with a few Altering spells. They're _very _familiar._

The picture had been Lily's idea. Extra encouragement, she had said. And they had needed a picture of two blokes snogging…there were two blokes in the room…

And James and Peter were both five galleons richer for it.

After Minerva had altered their appearances so Remus and Sirius wouldn't immediately recognize the two, the photograph had been deemed satisfactory. Minerva actually thought that it looked quite good. Lily had promptly called it _hot_. James had looked very, _very _scared when she said that, though, and he had hidden behind Minerva when Lily started musing aloud about how James would look in eyeliner (because, no matter how much she hated Sirius, she did have to admit that eyeliner looked very, very good on him). James and Peter might have developed mental scars that would last them the rest of their lives, but it was all for The Cause, as it had came to be known (to Lily, at least, who had said so).

"Bit like Jim and Pete," Sirius said. "Doesn't Jim have a shirt like that?"

"It's blue, though. This one is red."

"Oh, well." Sirius shrugged, tucking the photograph in his pocket. "Wonder why they were snogging?"

"Who knows?"

No. No, no, no. How bloody daft were they?

Then, there was a loud popping sound.

Finale time.

Sirius and Remus whipped their heads around to glance at the area where the offending pop had sounded. It happened again, and Sirius squealed in delight when he realized what they were.

"It's fireworks, Moony!" he exclaimed excitedly. "Explosives!"

"Oy vey," Remus muttered. "Sirius, back away from the explosives. Now. But…do they say something?"

Remus and Sirius squinted to make out the letters. The lights quickly went out, courtesy of, undoubtedly, a spell from Lily Evans. The darkness made the fireworks easier to read. James and Peter, veterans of magical fireworks, had come up with this aspect of the plan.

"Moony plus Padfoot equals…" Sirius squinted, tilting his head sideways. "What is that? A square?"

"It looks a bit like a spade," Remus replied.

"IT'S A HEART!" Minerva wanted to scream, but, as she had some semblance of self-control, and cats can't scream, she refrained. She couldn't help but think that letting James write out everything hadn't been the best idea. James had perfectly horrible handwriting, and it was a miracle that they could read even that, though his art skills were even worse. His stick figures looked like mutilated spaghetti noodles poking out in different directions with a curled up flobberworm stuck to the top. (James had a total inability to draw a complete circle.)

That's why she really couldn't blame Remus and Sirius for not being able to tell what the heart was. Personally, she had first asked James what a lopsided trapezoid meant before he explained that it was a heart.

"Moony…and…Padfoot are…gay," Remus read, squinting.

"We are _NOT _bloody happy!" Sirius yelled up to the ceiling, apparently thinking that it would accomplish something. "WE ARE NOT GAY!"

Remus looked peevish. "I hate fireworks."

"And I used to love them," Sirius pouted, "until this evil force of…_evil _did this to us."

"They probably have Minerva locked in a broom closet somewhere."

"Evans, Prongs, and Wormtail are probably all bound in a cupboard." Sirius pulled a face. "I feel bad for Wormy, then. Evans and Prongs are probably going at it, squishing the poor bloke into the corner."

"They have—well, _Lily_ has—enough propriety to…no, they're probably snogging and squishing Pete," Remus amended. Sadly, Minerva would have come to the same conclusion.

"More like _shagging_."

"No, snogging. Even Jim wouldn't do that Peter."

Sirius relented. "I guess so."

Then, suddenly, another firework went off. In rainbow letters, it proclaimed, "It's okay to be gay!" The song restarted up along with it, all of the letters repositioning themselves. It was noisier than before. Sirius and Remus swore loudly.

"I can't take it anymore!" Sirius screamed before he collapsed to the ground. Remus didn't have a chance to ask what was wrong, because, not even a second later, he was lying next to Sirius.

In the corner, Lily threw off the not-an-Invisibility-Cloak and started ranting, soon followed by James and Peter.

"I can't _believe _it…"

"…so bloody obvious…"

"…laid it out perfectly…"

"…mentally challenged?"

"…beat some sense into them…"

"…do they work at being this clueless?"

"…I am going to _kill _them…"

"…daft berks…"

"…ugh…"

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" Minerva interrupted. The complaints stopped, and three pairs of expectant eyes turned to hers. "It's brilliant. And it will work. They can't ignore this."

"But they've ignored everything else…" Lily said, chewing on her lip thoughtfully. "How can you know…?"

"Lily, if this doesn't work, you have permission to come out of hiding, grab their heads, and smash their lips together. But I think this will work better without reverting to such schemes," Minerva said confidently.

Lily's eyes were dancing. "Head smashing?"

James murmured something that sounded a bit like, "Sadist," but he was ignored by Lily.

"Head smashing," Minerva agreed. "But only if this doesn't work."

Smirking, Lily leaned against Minerva's desk, crossing her arms and cocking her head.

"What's the plan, Minerva?"

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Minerva watched attentively as Remus and Sirius awoke again. It was a ten-minute process, complete with much moaning, groaning, whinging, cringing, and half-asleep abuse. She reminded herself to never, ever attempt to wake those two up.

Finally, Remus and Sirius were both standing up, each sporting rather impressive-looking bruises on their foreheads. Apparently, they weren't very good at collapsing, as Minerva didn't want to even imagine the other places where bruises were hidden.

"I. Am. In. Pain," Sirius said through gritted teeth.

"So. Am. I."

"I. Hate. These. Evil. People."

"Me. Too."

"Ugh."

"Eh."

At the moment, Minerva was considering Lily's head-smashing technique. Maybe Remus and Sirius would at least regain their ability to form coherent sentences.

Instead, Minerva turned her head to face where Lily, James, and Peter were hiding. She blinked her yellow eyes twice. Quickly, the tip of a shoe came into appearance, and then disappeared. Minerva blinked three times and turned back, a small kitty-grin on her lips. With her nails, she quickly flipped up the lids on two ordinary black boxes. Immediately, sound plagued the air, and it was a considerably better sound than the "song".

"_He's just so _perfect_, Minnie, he really is. He does things that _should_ be annoying, but are just _fantastic_ when he does them…_"

"_He's an oxymoron, but when I tell them that, he gets indignant and tells me that he is not a moron, thank you very much. But he _is_. An oxymoron, I mean, not a moron…_"

"_He also approaches me when I'm in a mood, which I _should_ hate, but I don't because he talks to me and refuses to leave me alone until I confess whatever is bothering me to him…_"

"_And he does it all with that distinct _smile_, not the one that he flashes his fan club or gives you, but that small, Sirius smile that he only gives me. And it makes me feel so…I dunno. Just so _special_. Because I have that smile, and no one else does…_"

"_And sometimes it scares me that I know all of this stuff, that I notice all of this stuff, because it reminds me that I'm getting in too deep, and pretty sure I'll drown…_"

"_Something is wrong with him, and I do admit, I'm bloody _hurt_, because he tells me everything that's wrong with him…"_

"_But I really don't want to ruin my friendship with him, because I have no idea what I would do without my Moony…_"

"_I probably even know _too_ much about him, which is perhaps why I fancy him. Actually, I don't even think I really fancy him…_"

"_He's just so… I love him._"

"_Yes, I'm in love with Sirius Black._"

Remus and Sirius stared at each other, eyes wide and faces white. Sirius was gaping, and Remus's lips were slightly parted in shock.

"You…that…?" Remus stuttered.

"You…didn't say."

Remus's eyes were searching Sirius's face. Finally, he quietly asked, "Love?"

Sirius bit his lip, and then nodded furiously. "Yeah. You?"

"Mm-hm."

Minerva wasn't quite sure how it happened, but it did. Because, within a matter of seconds, Remus and Sirius were on the floor, limbs entangled and lips pressed against each other.

Oh, now she _was _melting. She wanted to cry. It was so…_adorable_.

She wondered how many other people felt like melting when they watched two blokes kiss. By the giggles coming from the corner, she knew she could count at least one other person.

They were _snogging_, and it was _cute_, and it was _adorable, _and it was _sweet_, and it was _so _worth all of the morals that she had sacrificed to get them there.

She mentally thanked Lily for taking pictures, as she knew that was what the girl was doing now. She definitely wanted prints, too.

Remus pulled away from Sirius slightly, murmuring something against Sirius's lips. Minerva was once again a nice little puddle of kitty as Sirius gently rubbed his nose against Remus's. Really, could they be _any_ cuter?

"You can come out now," Sirius called out.

Minerva froze.

"We _know _you're there," Remus added. "Lily, Jim, Pete, you're in the corner. Out."

Minerva watched said people in the corner throw off the it's-not-an-Invisibility-Cloak-so-bugger-off and stand up guiltily. Remus rolled off Sirius and stood up too, offering a hand to Sirius. Sirius grabbed it and allowed himself to be helped up, smiling at his friend. Was "friend" even the right term anymore?

"I'll go and get Minnie out," Sirius said. Minerva sat there, shocked, as Sirius pulled out the drawer, lifted her into his arms, and set her down on the floor. She found it quite unnerving to be at eye level with Sirius's combat boots, so she quickly transformed, her eyes now resting comfortably on his chin.

"Minnie, Minnie, Minnie," he said condescendingly. "Peeping tomcat, are you?"

"I'm a bit too female to be a tomcat," Minerva said acerbically, but she was unable to hide her smile.

"Playing matchmakers?" Remus asked, his eyes as omniscient as ever. His fingers knotted with Sirius's, and Minerva could tell that Lily was holding back a squeal, too.

Still, they looked down ashamedly, following the examples of Peter and James, who were experts at being caught.

"Yes," they all murmured together. Minerva made sure to keep her eyes hidden.

"Well, the thought was nice," Remus said.

"The plan was poorly executed, though," Sirius added. "Jim, Pete, I'm ashamed."

"It was femalely controlled," James said.

Sirius nodded. "Ah."

Remus's eyes quickly darted down the row of faux-ashamed people. "It was pretty much pointless, though."

All four heads darted up.

"But…we got you together!" Lily insisted.

"Wrong, Evans," Sirius said, grinning. "We got together last night."

"What?"

Now there were four identical gapes on their faces.

"Give us some credit," Remus said. "Really. I figured out what Minerva was doing yesterday, and I confronted Sirius. We talked—"

"—and snogged," Sirius added.

"—and snogged," Remus amended. "We got together."

"When did you get together?" Peter asked.

"Why didn't you tell us?" James demanded.

"We got together whilst you three were in a meeting with Minerva here," Remus explained. "And we _were _going to tell you. But when we got back—"

"—from snogging in a broom cupboard—"

"Yes, Sirius, from snogging in a broom cupboard—you three were already at dinner, and there was a lovely diagram on James's bed, complete with an outline on a plan to get us together tomorrow. Well, today."

"James!" Lily exclaimed, turning to her boyfriend. "You left it on your bed?"

James looked sheepish. "Erm, sorry?"

Even Peter was exasperated. "What happened to, 'Sure, Pete, I'll put it under my mattress'?"

"Lily said that she was wearing that pink shirt to dinner." James shot Lily, Peter, and Minerva an apologetic look. "She just looks so _pretty _in it."

"_Boys_," Lily, Minerva, and Sirius sighed. By the way that Sirius was looking at Remus, Minerva had a feeling that he meant it in a completely different way than Minerva and Lily did.

"Hold on," Minerva said, finding her head. "If you two were together…what, did you play along with this?"

"Of course we did." Sirius grinned. "We thought—well, mostly I thought—it would be fun. Moony agreed, so we decided to play along."

Peter tilted his head. "But the whole Moony-has-a-cute-birthmark-I-didn't-mean-to-say-that thing was…?"

"I slipped," Sirius admitted. "Almost gave it away. But I fixed it. I'm a fantastic actor."

"Up for a bloody BAFTA," James grumbled.

"Never," Remus said. "His acceptance speech would be awful. He'd ramble on about how wonderful he is, and then throw in a, 'Yes, and thanks to Remus, James, Peter, and Minnie,' and the end."

"You know me too well." Sirius placed a quick kiss on Remus's lips. James and Peter pretended to gag, Lily snapped a photograph, and Minerva smiled.

"I'll share my BAFTA with you," Sirius said, smiling at Remus.

"Whilst all these poofy displays of affection are just lovely, you're ignoring the most important part of this all," James said. Five pairs of eyes looked at him levelly. "You tricked me!" he burst out.

Remus and Sirius laughed. "It had to happen someday, Prongsy-boy." Sirius ruffled James's already-messy hair. James quickly tried to rearrange it, but Lily stopped him with a light kiss on the fingertips. They both (and everyone else) knew that James's hair was hopeless.

"We should probably go down to dinner," Peter suggested, glancing at Minerva's clock. "It started five minutes ago."

Remus, Sirius, James, and Lily also checked the time. With collective nods of their heads, they agreed with Peter.

"Let's go," James said.

"I think Sirius and I will stop by the hospital wing first." Remus held up their joint hands. Minerva could see the dried blood near Sirius's wrist and around Remus's finger.

Lily winced. "Sorry. I didn't expect them to be quite that vicious."

Sirius shrugged. "No problem, Evans."

Everyone except Sirius went into an immediate state of shock. _Sirius _had just been civil towards _Lily. _It was like the bloody apocalypse.

Lily was the first to recover. "Did you just pass up a chance to insult and/or yell at me?"

Sirius considered this for a moment. "Yeah. I did. You're not _that _bad, Evans."

"I guess you aren't really _that _horrible, Black."

Sirius considered this for a moment. "Acquaintances that don't feel the need to hex each other on a regular basis?" he asked, extending his hand.

Lily took it. "Acquaintances that don't feel the need to hex each other on a regular basis," she agreed.

James looked like someone had just told him that Lily was a bowtruckle in disguise. Remus looked oddly unsettled. Minerva was waiting for the sky to fall. Peter just smiled. "I love happy endings."

"And now you'll finally see the error of your ways," Sirius said, "and realize that the darling creature residing in the lake is Marlene, the _female_ giant squid."

"His name is NEIL!" Lily shrieked.

Immediately, Minerva, James, and Remus felt much, much better. _This _was normal for them. Peter, however, looked discontented. "Temporarily happy," he muttered.

"MARLENE!"

"NEIL!"

"MARLENE!"

"NEIL!"

James picked up Lily easily and threw her over his shoulder. Minerva quickly disarmed the Imperturbable Charm as James shot her a grin. He carried out Lily, kicking and screaming, "NEIL!" repeatedly.

Remus looped an arm around Sirius and pressed his lips against the other boy's in a quick, hard kiss. Sirius shouted a few more, "MARLENE!"s, so Remus kissed him again, efficiently shutting him up. Remus turned slightly to face Minerva, rolling his eyes. She returned his eye roll as he dragged Sirius out the door, towards the Great Hall.

"I'm going to make sure they don't kill each other. Or someone else. Or start shagging in the middle of the corridor," Peter said.

"Good luck, Mr. Pettigrew."

"I'll need it."

Peter hurried out the door, shutting it soundly behind them. Minerva drifted over to her desk and sat down, placing her feet on top of the desk and crossing her ankles.

_It takes a certain kind of madness_, she mused, _to go to such lengths to get two students together. To even interfere in their lives in the first place. _

_**That's because you love them**_, the pesky smart part of her said. _**They're your favorite students, even if they do drive you up the wall. You just want to make them happy.**_

_Fine, I do. So what?_

_**So nothing. You made two of them happy. Have a relaxing night.**_

_When you're not being insufferable and right, I actually quite like you._

_**Thank you. Now, please go and find some human companionship, before you truly register how truly mad you really are.**_

_Duly noted._

So, with a smile, Minerva quickly penned a note, gave it to her tiny owl, and opened her door. She watched as he flew down the corridor in the direction of Albus's office.

Well, she had already established that she was mad. It just so happened that she was just a bit mad for Albus, too. After all, she _had_ been put through a lot. Professors—even mad ones—needed some loving too.

That's why she felt no remorse playing footsie with Albus beneath the staff table. It wasn't as if she was on her own. It was quite obvious that Remus and Sirius were doing the same—although she had a distinct feeling that many, many more wandering hands were involved in the two boys' case.

Albus winked at her, blue eyes twinkling. Before she could respond, she felt other eyes on her.

Lily, James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter wore identical smirks, and they were all directed at her. She smirked back, made a vague suggestive gesture, and turned to Albus.

Minerva grinned as many disbelieving looks passed around the Hall and laughter burst out from the Gryffindor table.

She did love those students way too much. Although, in the end, did it matter? Sure, she was a bit mad. But there was a certain kind of madness involved in love.

And, Minerva had to admit, she was quite enjoying it.


End file.
